This isn't what I mean. I mean an actual disconnect in their parenting methods and real disrespect towards their older offspring. I see it on the playground. Mothers cuddle their babies. They tickle their toes. They give them food and love when it is requested, with a smile. Then, their preschooler will shout from the top of the play structure, "Mom! I'm hungry." The mother's whole demeanor changes. Her brow furrows. She becomes rigid and shouts back, "I fed you breakfast before we came. How can you be hungry? You are just going to have to wait."
Here is another scenario. Mom and two kids are at the store. The preschooler is begging for candy. Mom says patiently, "We are not buying candy today." The preschooler starts to cry and throw a fit. Mom stands firm and refuses to buy the candy. Her ten-year-old starts to ask if he can have a bag of chips. Mom turns to him and says, "No chips! I said no chips! Stop asking me! Be quiet!"
I read countless posts about behavior issues of older children. Most of the common advice is to crack down. Punish. Be mean. Some people even go so far as to get real enjoyment out of punishing their kids. They seem to feel better the more discomfort their child feels. All of this seems to happen when parents begin to think: You're Not Cute Anymore.
Let's be honest. Babies are adorable. I know because I have one. Actually, I have a young toddler to be precise. She wakes me up with kisses. She pats me with her chubby hands. Even while she is dismantling my entire pots and pans cabinet, my husband and I stand back and look at her with smiles on our faces. Even my older kids do it. They laugh while she is patting them on the head like she is playing whack-a-mole at a carnival. I tell them that they can ask her to stop, and they say, "Oh it's ok. It only hurts a little bit." Would any of us, as grown adults, let another older child or grown up continually hit us if it only hurt a little bit? I think there is some truth to the saying that babies are cute to ensure their survival. It helps us love them through all the difficult things they ask of us: Sleep deprivation, loss of personal time, putting a strain on a couple's relationship.
Things get tricky as our kids get older. They get sullen and moody. They don't cooperate. They have bad breath. I think the fact that we don't see them as quite as cute as they once were, is normal. I think it is part of the much-needed biological/emotional separation that occurs over the years as our children grow to adulthood. What I don't believe is normal or reasonable is when we let that separation and divide become an excuse to begin to disrespect our kids at any stage of life. Yes, our old kids make poor choices. They use disrespectful tone of voice. They pick on their siblings. They fall back on old bad habits. They also still need us to teach them proper behavior, and that is going to take modeling, and some of that patience you had when that defiant preschooler or gangly adolescent was a cute little baby.
The saddest part to me is that this almost always is the hardest for the oldest child in the family. They are the pilot project. There is no precedent that has been set. I notice that if a parent's oldest child is three, and they have a baby, they nearly immediately start cracking down on the three-year-old. If the oldest child is ten, and there are younger siblings, they crack down on the ten-year-old. A child remains a baby in our eyes until a new baby is born. The youngest child remains the baby until another one come along or indefinitely if there are no new siblings.
So, I urge you think about your older children, especially your first-born. Give respect to get respect. Give them the love and understanding you would give your younger children even if you think they should know better. They are learning just like we are. They may not have the cute-factor going for them anymore, but they still need guidance and patience, and patience, and more patience, from their loving parent.
