Respond With Love

Help...My Kid Just Exploded.

2008-09-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am cheating a bit with this post. I admit that I'm recycling parts of a response I wrote after being asked about what to do with an older child who lashes out and tantrums in anger. This particular child was around six years old. I've got a lot of topics swirling about in my brain, but limited time to type them out. So, this will have to suffice in the interim.

This response was born out of both the child's tantrum, and the fact that while he was raging, there was no getting through to him.

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Something I hear often, and need to remind myself of frequently, is that we almost always get nowhere in the heat of the moment. At that time, we can only remind our kids of the rules and be very clear about them. When kids get this wild and out of control, they cannot stop themselves at that moment, so they really can't easily "snap out of it" when asked. Many kids are coerced into stopping by a punishment. This is a short-term fix.

Kids need skills. If they have no skills, they act on pure emotion, and clearly, different kids have a different range of emotion.

My oldest is a practical sort. Around this age we had the talk about the police. Let me be clear and say that I did not threaten him nor did I try to make him afraid. I just needed him to know how things go down as you get into adulthood. If I had been concerned that he would be frightened or feel threatened, I would not have had this conversation. Keep in mind this talk was during a neutral time, not in the middle of a tantrum.

I told him that grown-ups who kick others, damage property, and threaten others can go to jail. I told him that acting that way as a grown up is so serious that others will call the police (and should!) if they fear for their safety. I told him that damaging property, yelling violent and threatening words, and screaming are simply unacceptable behaviors and we needed to work together to teach him the skills to control his anger if he felt it reaching that level. This was part of growing up so he could learn to control his anger as a child before it got too difficult as an adult.

We described the anger together: "It is a tightening. I feel it start in my toes, and work up to my belly, and come flying out my fists and mouth."

We practiced tightening up and feeling it and pretending that we were very very angry.

We then talked about solutions. I taught him about counting to ten and thinking and taking deep breaths. I showed him how to punch a pillow, but he didn't like that idea. I gave him a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw scribbly circles really fast on it. He settled on counting to 10.

We made a plan. If he felt that anger bubbling up, he was to remove himself right away. His safe place was his room. I asked him if he wanted me to be a part of it or to leave him alone. He asked me to follow him when he felt explosive. After he left, he was to begin his counting to ten and deep breathing.

Now he had skills. The next time he started to become angry and ready to lash out, I reminded him of our "plan". We ran to his room, he did his deep breathing, and he caught himself before he got too angry.

After a few times, he didn't seem to need to follow the plan anymore. He had successfully "reprogrammed" himself to react more appropriately.

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Hang onto your hats...the terrific twos have arrived!

2008-07-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've just been on vacation again, which I love, and low and behold, my daughter has decided to exercise her independence and her lungs (which incidentally work very well). I remember well with the boys that age three was much more challenging than age two. So, I have been under the mistaken impression that I had over a year left before the true roller coaster ride began. Yeah...not so much.

It happened so quickly!. One minute my sweet girly was following me around and doing exactly as I said showing others that I truly am the best mother (You all know this is a joke right?). Then, as if a switch had been flipped, she began crying and wailing at the drop of a hat. She now collapses to the ground in frustration if she doesn't get her way. Not only does she not come when I call, she turns the other way and bolts. She doesn't like to hold my hand in parking lots anymore, and she stiffens like a 2X4 when I try to put her in her carseat. All-in-all, taking her anywhere and requesting something of her is not the pleasant experience it was even three weeks ago.

How I love this girl though! I know I'm in for a ride over the next 18+ years, but something about this behavior feel comforting this time around. I know she is growing up, moving on, and going through each stage just as she should. It's my rose-colored glasses approach to parenting during a difficult situation.

On a particularly trying day of melt-down after melt-down, I was at an art fair buying some photos. My busy little toddler was trying to spin around the photo card display to see if she could make the cards fly off. I didn't feel the artist would find this nearly as amusing as my little one so I stopped her from spinning by saying, "Not for baby" and gently held her hands back. She immediately melted to the ground into a pile of baby goo. She added screeching for good measure. Being a bit stuck and in the middle of the transaction, all I could do was pluck her off the ground and tuck her under my arm until I could high tail it out of there. She continued flailing about and wailing while I finished.

After removing her, I had to put her down or risk her wiggling so vigorously that I would drop her. I placed her on the parking lot and gently followed her head down with my hands so it wouldn't hit the pavement. Then, I stepped aside while she laid there in protest. She began to risk injuring herself by rolling about so I picked her rigid body up and placed it on the grass instead. Still, she remained upset. I talked to her gently, and tried to coax her to come with me. She would quiet down until I would try to pick her up. Then, she would start screeching and flailing again until I left her alone.

During my wait, I thought about all the years I'd been a parent. I tried hard to remember the other kids doing this same thing. What did I do? When did it end? I ran down all the bad advice I'd ever received. None of that seemed right either. I decided to wait it out.

Just as I was getting worn out and tired of this mess, a woman walked up to me. She had watched this whole scene play out unnoticed by me. I was prepared for the worst, but she said to me, "I remember being in your shoes. It's so hard. You are doing the right thing. You are such a good mother.". My jaw nearly dropped. I told her, "You don't know how much I need to hear that right now. I don't think many people would agree with how I'm handling this." She replied, "I agree with you."

So to all of my readers, please remember, You are good parents. When you think you are at the end of your rope, there are many other parents hanging on there with you. If no one else comes up to you and tells you that you are doing a good job, picture me telling you. I'm on your side. I'm your personal cheerleader.

And how did it end? My feisty little one eventually decided that getting snuggles and kisses from Mommy was much better than laying on the ground under a tree. The eventual nap also worked its magic.

Sibling Harmony and Sharing

2008-06-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

This is another little something I discovered quite by accident. My friends and I had the same complaints about our little darlings: They didn't like to share. As is typical for me, I began to consider our problem. Asking our kids to share resulted in tantrums or rude words. That didn't seem right. Forcing the kids to share or "play nicely" seemed all wrong too. We did want them to play respectfully with each other, but forcing them to do so didn't seem like it would instill that desire within them. It seemed more like teaching them to resent the other child for interferring with their play.

My own kids were playing together and the sharing war ensued complete with tears. It was then, that I turned to one of them and said, "It is your turn now. When you are done, your brother would like a turn." Silence...no tears...simply agreement. Keep in mind these kids were around one and three. It was magic! I tried it a few times over the course of the day. It worked every time. I tried it at playgroup. Success!

Ever since then, the term "sharing" has been nearly banned from my vocabulary as a parent. We now use "taking turns". It works with every age group from baby to nearly 11-year-old. Try it!

Sibling Harmony - Part Two

2008-06-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

As a writer I tend to get a little long-winded. It is my downfall for sure. I want to make sure I don't miss a thing or that I explaining myself as I intend to. I do recognize that it can be time-consuming and overwhelming to read such long posts so I will try to shorten them without losing the integrity of the information. If at any time you have any questions for me or need clarification, please don't hesitate to post a comment. I will answer back as soon as I can.

Moving onto part two...

So, you've got these kids now. They've been yours for awhile. They are old enough to have a conversation with. They tie their own shoes, and diapers are thing of the past. Then, along comes a brand new baby into your house. Things should be perfect right? The older kids are becoming self-sufficient. Piece of cake...or maybe not.

Older kids have insecurities too. By older, please know that I'm talking about the 6+ age group. Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they need to know there is enough love to go around. They might revert to whining, or crying a lot. They might "forget" things they were so diligent at remembering before the baby. Any sort of odd out-of-character or obnoxious behavior after a new baby is born is likely a mild case of sibling rivalry.

In our house, the techniques have been the same, but the language is just a little more grown up. When my youngest came into the world, my nine-year-old son was both excited and apprehensive. I could see it in his eyes. He was so gentle and loving with the baby, but bordering on hyperactive the rest of the day. He was clearly attention-seeking and frankly, getting on my nerves! After several weeks of diligent use of the "baby complimenting her brother technique" (IE: "She really seems to like you. I think she has excellent taste!") and "making the baby wait", he began to settle down again. He and his brothers also received a full supply of hugs and attention during that time of transition. Never underestimate the power of a hug.

I mentioned in my first sibling post about how I stopped using my own advice! When I had my fourth, she was a little high needs. She spent most of her waking hours cranky and/or crying. She only wanted me, but even with me, she couldn't seem to relax. I joked several months later that she felt more like I was carrying around a piece of 2X4 instead of a soft yummy baby. As a result of her difficult nature, I began to use her as an excuse about why I could not do things. My older two boys took this turn of events as their new reality and hardly missed a beat. My four-year-old however, began to act out. My suddenly sweet, quiet, and lovely boy threw tantrums. He tried to hit me. He was MAD! I should have seen it coming. I used all my best positive parenting techniques to end the tantrums and anger and they began to disappear. I was so proud of myself, but then came the stomach aches, endless thirst, chronic fatigue, and constant hunger.

This went on for months. Finally, I was so worried about him, I took him to the doctor. They did blood work, stool samples, the works! Everything came back negative thank goodness! I distinctly remember the PA asking me in the hallway, "Do you think it could have something to do with the baby?" Me, sounding completely incredulous, "The baby? The baby is 18 months old now! He's had a lot of time to get used to having a new baby in the house." I left, but the idea nagged at me. Was she right? Could all of these physical symptoms be signs of an emotional need not being met?

I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I was frequently making him wait and putting him off because the baby. She always came first. She demanded top-notch service, and she got it! He also started a new educational program in the Fall that required him to be away from me for two mornings a week. Guess who waved him off with smiles on our faces (for encouragement of course!)? The baby and I. I had a moment where I realized how this all must seem to him!

I decided to treat the problem as an emotional one. I went back to basics on sibling relationships. I started noticing differences within a week or two. By six weeks of consistent changes, he was back to his old self, but with a new love for his baby sister.

Next up...Sharing. I promise!

Question #1

2008-06-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

How do you foster sibling harmony?

This issue is near and dear to my heart. How many of us don't have memories of our siblings torturing us in some way or another? Probably not many of us. Ahhh...good times.

So, we're all adults here. We're ok. Right? We can laugh now because we have grown up and most of us have at least some semblance of a relationship with our siblings. It may not be buddy-buddy, but we might see them on occasion, and we can keep from glaring at them for all wedgies they gave us when we were kids. However, in your innermost heart of hearts, don't you remember how awful it felt to be treated poorly by your siblings? So many tears were shed. Sometimes we felt like our parents didn't care what was happening to us. We felt alone, afraid, and sad.

I happened into sibling harmony by accident. I knew I felt strongly that siblings could be friends, but I wasn't sure how I would make that happen. A sibling relationship is complicated, and has several components. Because of its complexity, it will take a few posts to say everything I want to say. I'll tackle each scenario as thoroughly as I can, and stay chronological as much as possible to make it easier to scan articles to find their relevance to your life. Also, at this time, I'm focusing on the actual foundation for sibling friendship. Setting this firm foundation helps reduce the amount of actual sibling discord. These topics preface all future topics about problem solving within the family.

And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or...
When a new baby comes into the house, toddlers and preschoolers need reassurance that mom and dad will have enough love to go around. Something I read a long time ago was to not use the baby as a reason why Mom and Dad aren't as readily available anymore. I agree with this and I am thankful I read it before my firstborn became a big brother. Try to avoid: "I can't play with you now because the baby needs to nurse. I can't go the park right now because the baby is sleeping." When the baby is used as an excuse, toddlers and preschoolers start to see the baby as a real nuisance. They begin to blame the baby for all their tiny little hardships. Having resentment for the baby is a difficult way to start a sibling friendship.

I used a lot of positive words to encourage friendship when I was unable to honor a request from one of my older children at that moment: "Sure we'll go to the park. I'll pack the baby bag and when he gets up, we'll go." OR "Sit right next to me while I nurse. I'll read you a book." It helps to practice phrasing responses in a positive way before you actually receive requests. As a tired new mom, I didn't always have the brain power to come up with a positive response on the fly. I needed a set of positively phrased answers in my brain already so I could use them instead of falling back on old habits.

I used this next technique with my then 3-year-old when we added our second child. It worked so well with him that I tried it the next two times we added siblings. It worked again. I feel confident that it played a part in the solid sibling friendship my kids have.

From the moment the baby was born, I told the older child: "She's so lucky to have you as a brother. You can teach her so many things." Any time the baby focused on their sibling, I would comment: "Oh look! That baby is watching you. She must think you are fantastic." The actual words aren't important, but giving the baby "words" to build up their siblings or compliment them seems to work like a charm. This works well when the older sibling wants to hold the baby. If the baby is content you might say, "The baby is so comfortable in your arms. She must know that you will keep her safe." If the baby isn't actually content, I just point out what the baby is doing, "He's stretching in your arms. He's a little grumpy right now. He says, 'I love my brother, but I need my mommy now for milk.'" I have tried to never deny older siblings from holding the baby even if it is just for brief moments if they request to do so. Any time they chose to bond with the new baby, I encouraged it.

Something else that works well is making the baby wait. I don't actually mean making the baby scream or cry while you attend to the sibling unless you absolutely have to. That happens sometimes, but I try to avoid it. What I am describing is a set-up situation where the baby is asked to wait. This helps assure the older siblings that the baby isn't always first. A good example of this would be getting ready to get in the car. The baby needs the car seat, and the older sibling needs help with his shoes. Within earshot of the older child say to the baby: "I'm going to help your sister with her shoes first. Then I'll put you in your car seat." If the baby is starting to squirm a little, say something like, "You'll be ok little one. You can wait a minute. I'm going to help your sister."

Yes, it is great if parents start this from the moment the baby is born. However, if that isn't how it went in your house, give it a try from this point on. It might take a little time, but it will make a difference. I'll discuss in a later post, how I fell away from this advice when I had my fourth child. The relationship between myself, my second youngest, and the baby became strained. However, once I went back to the basics of sibling friendship, our relationship was repaired.

Next up...Older kids with new siblings, and the art of sharing.

Back from a Hiatus

2008-06-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

I'm back from a hiatus. It seems I barely got started here before I needed a break. At least I know my limitations right? I'm so excited because I solicited help from some online mom-friends. I wanted some concrete topics to discuss. I love to wax philosophical, but sometimes I just want to roll up my sleeves and dig in to the realities of parenthood. I got so many great topic requests, I'm starting a Q and A. I'll tackle each question one by one until I get through them.

Some of the questions I feel confident jumping right into. Others may require a bit more thought on my part. I also feel the need to add a disclaimer. I would love to think that my ideas would work for every person out there. My advice will often not include such information as: Do X to get Y. However, if I can help a parent see something in a different way, I've accomplished part of my goal.

We are so driven as parents to want to squash bad behaviors. We feel like failures if we don't succeed on the first try with our discipline tactic. We wonder what others will think of us or what we are doing wrong. We are quick to imagine our sons and daughters as future felons if they lie or complete social misfits if they don't share their toys when asked.

I don't live my life in absolutes. Parenting is shades of grey for me. I strive to see every situation as somewhat unique. Continued poor behaviors are patterns formed or a sign of something greater underlying. Because of this belief, I try not to offer "fire extinguisher" parenting tactics. I try to find the cause of the fire so it doesn't need to put it out in the first place.

I hope you can find something of value in my words that you can use in your household.

Listening more...check!

2008-04-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

I'm really getting in the groove of listening more. Not surprisingly, when I am quiet, I really hear what my kids need, and therefore, I am not plagued by communication failure. My plan to listen more this month is working.

It's spilling over into the rest of my life too. I've been faced with two particularly difficult situations outside of my family. Both times, I listened intently, not speaking, until I really had something of value to say. It paid off. Both situations were resolved with good feelings intact.

Making our words count as a parent are so important. Words are so powerful when used correctly, and so completely ineffective when we just toss them out there without thought. Being extroverted, I love to talk. However, using too many words can be my downfall. I often catch myself micromanaging by overusing words instead of just listening.

For example: I might ask my son to do something. Then, I ask the following question to make sure he is on board: "Do you understand what I am asking? Do you need more instruction?" Once he confirms he understands, common sense says that it is time to back off and let it happen. I, on the other hand, put on my control freak hat and start to pepper him with questions, "Can I offer you a hand? Can I get something for you? Would it be helpful to you if...? Are you going to do it now? I don't ask all of these questions, but I ask just enough to annoy a grown man (just ask my husband!) OR to undermine a young growing man and make him feel as if he is not capable of the job at hand.

So, I am listening more, talking less, and stepping back to allow mistakes to happen and messes to be made. I can see all the kids really responding positively to this change.

I Can Really Only Change Myself

2008-03-25T21:45:00.001-07:00

As often happens, when I feel at my wit's end, something gives, and life starts to feel a little smoother somehow. That seems to be the case now. It's a relief for me to feel proactive. I think what was getting me down the most was that I was starting to see my kids as a source of all of life's little irritations. If something was lost, it must have been the kids. If the house was a mess, the kids did nearly all of it. If something was broken, it wouldn't have been if it weren't for those meddling kids (too much Scooby Doo in this house!) Some of this is actually quite accurate. I recognized the depth of my frustration though, when I started seeing even their requests for food and snacks as an imposition.

This kind of parenting issue sneaks up on me. I'll be going about my positively merry way, when I'll start to waver a bit and have a bad moment here and there. Then, I'll have a couple of rough days. Finally, I'll have nothing but bad days, before I get that smack from the universe that begs me to make a change.

So, who changes? The kids are working with limited skills and life experience. It's going to be up to me. I'm often amazed at how quickly they adapt to my bad mood by matching it. I'm having a bad day? Guess what? Today is the day my five-year-old refuses to wear his shoes all day. It's also the day that the baby decides she's skipping her nap. Just for good measure, the seven-year-old throws a tantrum over something I threw away a year ago (But that was my favorite broken toy!), and my ten-year-old fades into the background and into his own little world. It can be a bit lonely knowing I am the only one who can turn this situation around, and sometimes I just get tired. So tired, that I take a day off from trying. That day turns into two or three, and life just feels like autopilot.

I'm not in this world to live on autopilot, providing basic meals, obligitory hugs and kisses, and general positive support. I'm in this life to live! I'm here to connect with my kids, do my mothering 100%, and enjoy this beautiful family my husband and I have. If I'm not accomplishing these goals, I can only really change myself, and in changing myself, my family will follow. They can share my bad mood, but they can also share my enthusiasm for life, my love of learning, and my ability to adapt to life's little ups and downs. So to the kids I say, Bring it on! I'm back. I'm ready, and I love you.

A Month of Love

2008-03-24T07:07:00.000-07:00

As a parent, I've feeling lately, like crawling in a hole and giving up. I realize that some of you are thinking: What?!? Stacy feels this way too? The answer is a big fat yes. I wouldn't trade one of my darlings away for anything, but I really am recognizing that I'm at my threshold as far as my ability to mother the quantity of children I have. This puts to rest the question from nosy people, "Will you have more kids?" Um...no.

The last eighteen months have been some of the most challenging I've ever had. I've felt more irritation, grief, anger, frustration, and guilt than I ever have in my 10+ years of parenting. I have four kids at four distinct ages, with four very distinct personalities, and I feel sometimes like I'm getting sucked down a drain.

I know in my heart that all the things that are going on can be fixed, so I'm spending the next thirty days working on mothering my children better. Lest anyone think I'm too hard on myself, let me offer thanks. I appreciate that you feel that way. Really, I do! I'm a very easy-going person. I do not expect perfection by any means. There is no perfect mother or father. I do think that since my career choice is to be a mother, I should be doing the best job that I can. I would be giving my all to a paying job, and I see this as no different, and in many ways, more important.

My goals for the month are as follows:
1. Make better food
2. Enlist the kids help with more of the housework
3. Read to my children more
4. Appreciate the time I have to myself
5. Listen more and enjoy the company of my kids

The name of this post is amusing to me. A Month of Love? That's it? I hope it will jump start some new behaviors that will continue on. I have more than a month of love to give. I've got a lifetime of love for my kids. I want to make sure that they know it, and feel it, every single day.

You're Not Cute Anymore

2008-02-25T13:41:00.000-08:00

I've been noticing something lately that has really been bothering me. I'm noticing a huge disconnect between parents and older children. Now, I'm not talking about the natural separation that should occur.

This isn't what I mean. I mean an actual disconnect in their parenting methods and real disrespect towards their older offspring. I see it on the playground. Mothers cuddle their babies. They tickle their toes. They give them food and love when it is requested, with a smile. Then, their preschooler will shout from the top of the play structure, "Mom! I'm hungry." The mother's whole demeanor changes. Her brow furrows. She becomes rigid and shouts back, "I fed you breakfast before we came. How can you be hungry? You are just going to have to wait."

Here is another scenario. Mom and two kids are at the store. The preschooler is begging for candy. Mom says patiently, "We are not buying candy today." The preschooler starts to cry and throw a fit. Mom stands firm and refuses to buy the candy. Her ten-year-old starts to ask if he can have a bag of chips. Mom turns to him and says, "No chips! I said no chips! Stop asking me! Be quiet!"

I read countless posts about behavior issues of older children. Most of the common advice is to crack down. Punish. Be mean. Some people even go so far as to get real enjoyment out of punishing their kids. They seem to feel better the more discomfort their child feels. All of this seems to happen when parents begin to think: You're Not Cute Anymore.

Let's be honest. Babies are adorable. I know because I have one. Actually, I have a young toddler to be precise. She wakes me up with kisses. She pats me with her chubby hands. Even while she is dismantling my entire pots and pans cabinet, my husband and I stand back and look at her with smiles on our faces. Even my older kids do it. They laugh while she is patting them on the head like she is playing whack-a-mole at a carnival. I tell them that they can ask her to stop, and they say, "Oh it's ok. It only hurts a little bit." Would any of us, as grown adults, let another older child or grown up continually hit us if it only hurt a little bit? I think there is some truth to the saying that babies are cute to ensure their survival. It helps us love them through all the difficult things they ask of us: Sleep deprivation, loss of personal time, putting a strain on a couple's relationship.

Things get tricky as our kids get older. They get sullen and moody. They don't cooperate. They have bad breath. I think the fact that we don't see them as quite as cute as they once were, is normal. I think it is part of the much-needed biological/emotional separation that occurs over the years as our children grow to adulthood. What I don't believe is normal or reasonable is when we let that separation and divide become an excuse to begin to disrespect our kids at any stage of life. Yes, our old kids make poor choices. They use disrespectful tone of voice. They pick on their siblings. They fall back on old bad habits. They also still need us to teach them proper behavior, and that is going to take modeling, and some of that patience you had when that defiant preschooler or gangly adolescent was a cute little baby.

The saddest part to me is that this almost always is the hardest for the oldest child in the family. They are the pilot project. There is no precedent that has been set. I notice that if a parent's oldest child is three, and they have a baby, they nearly immediately start cracking down on the three-year-old. If the oldest child is ten, and there are younger siblings, they crack down on the ten-year-old. A child remains a baby in our eyes until a new baby is born. The youngest child remains the baby until another one come along or indefinitely if there are no new siblings.

So, I urge you think about your older children, especially your first-born. Give respect to get respect. Give them the love and understanding you would give your younger children even if you think they should know better. They are learning just like we are. They may not have the cute-factor going for them anymore, but they still need guidance and patience, and patience, and more patience, from their loving parent.

Emotional Sprinter or Emotional Endurance Athlete?

2007-11-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

I had intended to make by next article about robot parenting which is basically the assumption by others that a parent will come across as a robot if they don't display some sort of "flying off the handle" response at some point in their parenting career--that large emotional displays by parents show their children valuable human qualities. I promise to elaborate on that in the future, but I was moved to write this article today instead. I will visit that topic soon.

I like to run. I run anywhere from three to six days per week depending on whether or not I am training for something in particular. During my last training period, I was logging some higher mileage long runs (called Long Slow Runs or LSR's by runners). During these times, I had a lot of time to think. When I run, I find I am much better at longer distances. I can sustain my pace for a long period of time much more successfully than I can sprint a 5K distance. Runners often talk about how a lot of this is mental and I completely agree. I am physically capable of sprinting a 5k, but my heart is just not in it. I'd rather run 7-8 slower miles than breathe hard and heavy for 3.1.

It was during one of my LSR's that I realized a correlation between running and emotional response to crisis or other ups and downs of life. First, there are emotional sprinters. I have no idea if I've originated this phrase or not. If not, no plagiarism intended. If so, Emotional Sprinter© 2007 all rights reserved. Emotional Sprinters are great in a crisis. They remain level-headed, supportive, non-judgmental, and loving during difficult times. They can sustain this emotional sprint for a short amount of time. They may poop out over the long haul, but for the immediate need, they are there for you.

The next type of response is by the Emotional Endurance Athlete. During crisis, they may not be in the first wave of responders, but over time, you recognize them as strong, solid, and unwavering in their love and support.

So, what am I? What are you? Most importantly, how can this help parenting? As I was running and reflecting, I first identified myself as an emotional sprinter. If something sad happens to a friend, I am right there to offer a shoulder. I can handle adults crying in front of me, birth and death, and even blood-shed. I can arrange meals for a postpartum mother or whip up a last-minute costume when I get a desperate call from a friend. I can sustain this emotional sprint until the crisis has passed, and I then let the emotional endurance athletes take the second wave as I fade into the shadows to rest.

I then thought more about my friendships and other relationships--especially with my children. There are days that I feel like I have nothing to give my kids, my husband, or my friends, but overall, I am able to pace myself and give them what they need while not draining myself in the process. This would be a solid characteristic of the emotional endurance athlete. So, it seems I am both, but I do feel I respond most often as an emotional sprinter.

How can this help my parenting or yours? Daily life as a parent is filled with small crisis. Jenny refuses to wash her hair at bath time. David gets so angry he slams his bedroom door and cracks the door jam. Evie has thrown 5 tantrums by 10:00 a.m. Jack accidentally threw a golf ball through the garage window. Alexis cut her bangs with the scissors left out by her sister. How about our own problems as parents? The bills are due and there is no money left in the checkbook. We are out of milk and the car is in the shop getting the brakes repaired. You miss an appointment because you forgot to write it down on the correct day. The dog got sick on the living room rug.

If you are overdeveloped as an emotional endurance athlete, you may feel very overwhelmed and ill-equipped to handle the daily ups and downs. You may find that you overreact to the little annoyances (IE: sighing heavily or making snide remarks about a spilled beverage). You may also simply shut down during a true crisis.

If you are a fine emotional sprinter, but have very little endurance, you may swoop in to solve problems such as happily cleaning up the spilled beverage, but then disappear until the next problem comes up. You may find yourself constantly putting your kids off: "We'll play a game later. Go play in your room. I'm just going to sit here on the computer for awhile. Go watch T.V. Go find somewhere else to play." You might also have days where you are on fire! You bake cookies, play board games, take a walk, read five books to the kids, make their favorite dinner, then top it off with an improvisational story about a bow-tie wearing mouse before bedtime. However, the next day, you don't feel like you have the energy or desire to do anything and you just want to be left alone.

Most of us definitely have both qualities. If we didn't, why would we get out of bed each day knowing good and well there will be a mess to clean up, a nose to wipe, and maybe even a sibling brawl to referee. Why would we subject ourselves to parenthood without counting down the days until our kids reach adulthood (Yay! only 13 years, 5 days, and 23 hours until Betty is 18 and outta' here!). Recognizing our dominate emotional traits can help us build up our weaknesses. We need to have the endurance to establish ourselves as solid and loving parents, and the sprinting capability to react during difficult times with reasonable responses.

So, think about it. The parenting race is very long with hills, straight aways, rain showers, full sun, barking dogs, and even the occasional injury. Developing yourself as both an emotional sprinter and an emotional endurance athlete will take you the full distance with more ease and definitely with more grace.

Respond With Love

2007-11-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

It didn't take me very long into my first days of parenthood to find out that I react and respond differently to the ups and downs of childish behavior. Some of the first advice I got as a parent was to let the baby cry as long as he was dry, fed, and burped. Being the eager "rule follower" that I am, I gave it a shot. I lasted about 30 seconds before I rushed to my dependent little newborn baby boy and offered him the nurturing arms that he needed. As he settled down and began to nurse, I knew that this is the kind of parent I wanted to be. I wanted to be the mother that chose to connect instead of disconnect when the going got tough.

I believe that the misbehavior of children is most often just the foolish choices of inexperienced humans. I also believe that children misbehave because of their inability to communicate effectively. We need to set the bar high for our children, but have realistic expectations and reasonable responses to their mistakes.

As I became a more experienced parent, I happily ignored such advice as "Spray your toddler in the face with a water bottle to stop tantrums", or "Bite your child back if he bites you." and the ever-popular "Wash the mouth out with soap" for swearing or backtalk. I waded through the soft sell approach of "spanking without anger" and the kinder and gentler "time out". I finally reached the point at which I realized that I want to be a solid, gentle, firm, and loving role model for my children without punitive discipline. The name of this blog says it all: Respond with love. It's so basic, yet abandoned so quickly by parents when things get tough. During the most difficult times, when I am feeling angry or frustrated or at my wit's end, I repeat as my mantra, Respond with love. Respond with love. Respond with love...until I am ready to do just that.

I look forward to writing about many parenting topics in the future. Feel free to ask any questions or ask for clarification at any time.

Parenting topics coming up:
1. Robot Parenting
2. Proactive Parenting
3. Assume Positive Intent (A phrase I learned from other mothers in the trenches)