As often happens, when I feel at my wit's end, something gives, and life starts to feel a little smoother somehow. That seems to be the case now. It's a relief for me to feel proactive. I think what was getting me down the most was that I was starting to see my kids as a source of all of life's little irritations. If something was lost, it must have been the kids. If the house was a mess, the kids did nearly all of it. If something was broken, it wouldn't have been if it weren't for those meddling kids (too much Scooby Doo in this house!) Some of this is actually quite accurate. I recognized the depth of my frustration though, when I started seeing even their requests for food and snacks as an imposition.
This kind of parenting issue sneaks up on me. I'll be going about my positively merry way, when I'll start to waver a bit and have a bad moment here and there. Then, I'll have a couple of rough days. Finally, I'll have nothing but bad days, before I get that smack from the universe that begs me to make a change.
So, who changes? The kids are working with limited skills and life experience. It's going to be up to me. I'm often amazed at how quickly they adapt to my bad mood by matching it. I'm having a bad day? Guess what? Today is the day my five-year-old refuses to wear his shoes all day. It's also the day that the baby decides she's skipping her nap. Just for good measure, the seven-year-old throws a tantrum over something I threw away a year ago (But that was my favorite broken toy!), and my ten-year-old fades into the background and into his own little world. It can be a bit lonely knowing I am the only one who can turn this situation around, and sometimes I just get tired. So tired, that I take a day off from trying. That day turns into two or three, and life just feels like autopilot.
I'm not in this world to live on autopilot, providing basic meals, obligitory hugs and kisses, and general positive support. I'm in this life to live! I'm here to connect with my kids, do my mothering 100%, and enjoy this beautiful family my husband and I have. If I'm not accomplishing these goals, I can only really change myself, and in changing myself, my family will follow. They can share my bad mood, but they can also share my enthusiasm for life, my love of learning, and my ability to adapt to life's little ups and downs. So to the kids I say, Bring it on! I'm back. I'm ready, and I love you.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Month of Love
As a parent, I've feeling lately, like crawling in a hole and giving up. I realize that some of you are thinking: What?!? Stacy feels this way too? The answer is a big fat yes. I wouldn't trade one of my darlings away for anything, but I really am recognizing that I'm at my threshold as far as my ability to mother the quantity of children I have. This puts to rest the question from nosy people, "Will you have more kids?" Um...no.
The last eighteen months have been some of the most challenging I've ever had. I've felt more irritation, grief, anger, frustration, and guilt than I ever have in my 10+ years of parenting. I have four kids at four distinct ages, with four very distinct personalities, and I feel sometimes like I'm getting sucked down a drain.
I know in my heart that all the things that are going on can be fixed, so I'm spending the next thirty days working on mothering my children better. Lest anyone think I'm too hard on myself, let me offer thanks. I appreciate that you feel that way. Really, I do! I'm a very easy-going person. I do not expect perfection by any means. There is no perfect mother or father. I do think that since my career choice is to be a mother, I should be doing the best job that I can. I would be giving my all to a paying job, and I see this as no different, and in many ways, more important.
My goals for the month are as follows:
1. Make better food
2. Enlist the kids help with more of the housework
3. Read to my children more
4. Appreciate the time I have to myself
5. Listen more and enjoy the company of my kids
The name of this post is amusing to me. A Month of Love? That's it? I hope it will jump start some new behaviors that will continue on. I have more than a month of love to give. I've got a lifetime of love for my kids. I want to make sure that they know it, and feel it, every single day.
Monday, February 25, 2008
You're Not Cute Anymore
I've been noticing something lately that has really been bothering me. I'm noticing a huge disconnect between parents and older children. Now, I'm not talking about the natural separation that should occur.
This isn't what I mean. I mean an actual disconnect in their parenting methods and real disrespect towards their older offspring. I see it on the playground. Mothers cuddle their babies. They tickle their toes. They give them food and love when it is requested, with a smile. Then, their preschooler will shout from the top of the play structure, "Mom! I'm hungry." The mother's whole demeanor changes. Her brow furrows. She becomes rigid and shouts back, "I fed you breakfast before we came. How can you be hungry? You are just going to have to wait."
Here is another scenario. Mom and two kids are at the store. The preschooler is begging for candy. Mom says patiently, "We are not buying candy today." The preschooler starts to cry and throw a fit. Mom stands firm and refuses to buy the candy. Her ten-year-old starts to ask if he can have a bag of chips. Mom turns to him and says, "No chips! I said no chips! Stop asking me! Be quiet!"
I read countless posts about behavior issues of older children. Most of the common advice is to crack down. Punish. Be mean. Some people even go so far as to get real enjoyment out of punishing their kids. They seem to feel better the more discomfort their child feels. All of this seems to happen when parents begin to think: You're Not Cute Anymore.
Things get tricky as our kids get older. They get sullen and moody. They don't cooperate. They have bad breath. I think the fact that we don't see them as quite as cute as they once were, is normal. I think it is part of the much-needed biological/emotional separation that occurs over the years as our children grow to adulthood. What I don't believe is normal or reasonable is when we let that separation and divide become an excuse to begin to disrespect our kids at any stage of life. Yes, our old kids make poor choices. They use disrespectful tone of voice. They pick on their siblings. They fall back on old bad habits. They also still need us to teach them proper behavior, and that is going to take modeling, and some of that patience you had when that defiant preschooler or gangly adolescent was a cute little baby.
The saddest part to me is that this almost always is the hardest for the oldest child in the family. They are the pilot project. There is no precedent that has been set. I notice that if a parent's oldest child is three, and they have a baby, they nearly immediately start cracking down on the three-year-old. If the oldest child is ten, and there are younger siblings, they crack down on the ten-year-old. A child remains a baby in our eyes until a new baby is born. The youngest child remains the baby until another one come along or indefinitely if there are no new siblings.
So, I urge you think about your older children, especially your first-born. Give respect to get respect. Give them the love and understanding you would give your younger children even if you think they should know better. They are learning just like we are. They may not have the cute-factor going for them anymore, but they still need guidance and patience, and patience, and more patience, from their loving parent.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Emotional Sprinter or Emotional Endurance Athlete?
I had intended to make by next article about robot parenting which is basically the assumption by others that a parent will come across as a robot if they don't display some sort of "flying off the handle" response at some point in their parenting career--that large emotional displays by parents show their children valuable human qualities. I promise to elaborate on that in the future, but I was moved to write this article today instead. I will visit that topic soon.
I like to run. I run anywhere from three to six days per week depending on whether or not I am training for something in particular. During my last training period, I was logging some higher mileage long runs (called Long Slow Runs or LSR's by runners). During these times, I had a lot of time to think. When I run, I find I am much better at longer distances. I can sustain my pace for a long period of time much more successfully than I can sprint a 5K distance. Runners often talk about how a lot of this is mental and I completely agree. I am physically capable of sprinting a 5k, but my heart is just not in it. I'd rather run 7-8 slower miles than breathe hard and heavy for 3.1.
It was during one of my LSR's that I realized a correlation between running and emotional response to crisis or other ups and downs of life. First, there are emotional sprinters. I have no idea if I've originated this phrase or not. If not, no plagiarism intended. If so, Emotional Sprinter© 2007 all rights reserved. Emotional Sprinters are great in a crisis. They remain level-headed, supportive, non-judgmental, and loving during difficult times. They can sustain this emotional sprint for a short amount of time. They may poop out over the long haul, but for the immediate need, they are there for you.
The next type of response is by the Emotional Endurance Athlete. During crisis, they may not be in the first wave of responders, but over time, you recognize them as strong, solid, and unwavering in their love and support.
So, what am I? What are you? Most importantly, how can this help parenting? As I was running and reflecting, I first identified myself as an emotional sprinter. If something sad happens to a friend, I am right there to offer a shoulder. I can handle adults crying in front of me, birth and death, and even blood-shed. I can arrange meals for a postpartum mother or whip up a last-minute costume when I get a desperate call from a friend. I can sustain this emotional sprint until the crisis has passed, and I then let the emotional endurance athletes take the second wave as I fade into the shadows to rest.
I then thought more about my friendships and other relationships--especially with my children. There are days that I feel like I have nothing to give my kids, my husband, or my friends, but overall, I am able to pace myself and give them what they need while not draining myself in the process. This would be a solid characteristic of the emotional endurance athlete. So, it seems I am both, but I do feel I respond most often as an emotional sprinter.
How can this help my parenting or yours? Daily life as a parent is filled with small crisis. Jenny refuses to wash her hair at bath time. David gets so angry he slams his bedroom door and cracks the door jam. Evie has thrown 5 tantrums by 10:00 a.m. Jack accidentally threw a golf ball through the garage window. Alexis cut her bangs with the scissors left out by her sister. How about our own problems as parents? The bills are due and there is no money left in the checkbook. We are out of milk and the car is in the shop getting the brakes repaired. You miss an appointment because you forgot to write it down on the correct day. The dog got sick on the living room rug.
If you are overdeveloped as an emotional endurance athlete, you may feel very overwhelmed and ill-equipped to handle the daily ups and downs. You may find that you overreact to the little annoyances (IE: sighing heavily or making snide remarks about a spilled beverage). You may also simply shut down during a true crisis.
If you are a fine emotional sprinter, but have very little endurance, you may swoop in to solve problems such as happily cleaning up the spilled beverage, but then disappear until the next problem comes up. You may find yourself constantly putting your kids off: "We'll play a game later. Go play in your room. I'm just going to sit here on the computer for awhile. Go watch T.V. Go find somewhere else to play." You might also have days where you are on fire! You bake cookies, play board games, take a walk, read five books to the kids, make their favorite dinner, then top it off with an improvisational story about a bow-tie wearing mouse before bedtime. However, the next day, you don't feel like you have the energy or desire to do anything and you just want to be left alone.
Most of us definitely have both qualities. If we didn't, why would we get out of bed each day knowing good and well there will be a mess to clean up, a nose to wipe, and maybe even a sibling brawl to referee. Why would we subject ourselves to parenthood without counting down the days until our kids reach adulthood (Yay! only 13 years, 5 days, and 23 hours until Betty is 18 and outta' here!). Recognizing our dominate emotional traits can help us build up our weaknesses. We need to have the endurance to establish ourselves as solid and loving parents, and the sprinting capability to react during difficult times with reasonable responses.
So, think about it. The parenting race is very long with hills, straight aways, rain showers, full sun, barking dogs, and even the occasional injury. Developing yourself as both an emotional sprinter and an emotional endurance athlete will take you the full distance with more ease and definitely with more grace.
I like to run. I run anywhere from three to six days per week depending on whether or not I am training for something in particular. During my last training period, I was logging some higher mileage long runs (called Long Slow Runs or LSR's by runners). During these times, I had a lot of time to think. When I run, I find I am much better at longer distances. I can sustain my pace for a long period of time much more successfully than I can sprint a 5K distance. Runners often talk about how a lot of this is mental and I completely agree. I am physically capable of sprinting a 5k, but my heart is just not in it. I'd rather run 7-8 slower miles than breathe hard and heavy for 3.1.
It was during one of my LSR's that I realized a correlation between running and emotional response to crisis or other ups and downs of life. First, there are emotional sprinters. I have no idea if I've originated this phrase or not. If not, no plagiarism intended. If so, Emotional Sprinter© 2007 all rights reserved. Emotional Sprinters are great in a crisis. They remain level-headed, supportive, non-judgmental, and loving during difficult times. They can sustain this emotional sprint for a short amount of time. They may poop out over the long haul, but for the immediate need, they are there for you.
The next type of response is by the Emotional Endurance Athlete. During crisis, they may not be in the first wave of responders, but over time, you recognize them as strong, solid, and unwavering in their love and support.
So, what am I? What are you? Most importantly, how can this help parenting? As I was running and reflecting, I first identified myself as an emotional sprinter. If something sad happens to a friend, I am right there to offer a shoulder. I can handle adults crying in front of me, birth and death, and even blood-shed. I can arrange meals for a postpartum mother or whip up a last-minute costume when I get a desperate call from a friend. I can sustain this emotional sprint until the crisis has passed, and I then let the emotional endurance athletes take the second wave as I fade into the shadows to rest.
I then thought more about my friendships and other relationships--especially with my children. There are days that I feel like I have nothing to give my kids, my husband, or my friends, but overall, I am able to pace myself and give them what they need while not draining myself in the process. This would be a solid characteristic of the emotional endurance athlete. So, it seems I am both, but I do feel I respond most often as an emotional sprinter.
How can this help my parenting or yours? Daily life as a parent is filled with small crisis. Jenny refuses to wash her hair at bath time. David gets so angry he slams his bedroom door and cracks the door jam. Evie has thrown 5 tantrums by 10:00 a.m. Jack accidentally threw a golf ball through the garage window. Alexis cut her bangs with the scissors left out by her sister. How about our own problems as parents? The bills are due and there is no money left in the checkbook. We are out of milk and the car is in the shop getting the brakes repaired. You miss an appointment because you forgot to write it down on the correct day. The dog got sick on the living room rug.
If you are overdeveloped as an emotional endurance athlete, you may feel very overwhelmed and ill-equipped to handle the daily ups and downs. You may find that you overreact to the little annoyances (IE: sighing heavily or making snide remarks about a spilled beverage). You may also simply shut down during a true crisis.
If you are a fine emotional sprinter, but have very little endurance, you may swoop in to solve problems such as happily cleaning up the spilled beverage, but then disappear until the next problem comes up. You may find yourself constantly putting your kids off: "We'll play a game later. Go play in your room. I'm just going to sit here on the computer for awhile. Go watch T.V. Go find somewhere else to play." You might also have days where you are on fire! You bake cookies, play board games, take a walk, read five books to the kids, make their favorite dinner, then top it off with an improvisational story about a bow-tie wearing mouse before bedtime. However, the next day, you don't feel like you have the energy or desire to do anything and you just want to be left alone.
Most of us definitely have both qualities. If we didn't, why would we get out of bed each day knowing good and well there will be a mess to clean up, a nose to wipe, and maybe even a sibling brawl to referee. Why would we subject ourselves to parenthood without counting down the days until our kids reach adulthood (Yay! only 13 years, 5 days, and 23 hours until Betty is 18 and outta' here!). Recognizing our dominate emotional traits can help us build up our weaknesses. We need to have the endurance to establish ourselves as solid and loving parents, and the sprinting capability to react during difficult times with reasonable responses.
So, think about it. The parenting race is very long with hills, straight aways, rain showers, full sun, barking dogs, and even the occasional injury. Developing yourself as both an emotional sprinter and an emotional endurance athlete will take you the full distance with more ease and definitely with more grace.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Respond With Love
It didn't take me very long into my first days of parenthood to find out that I react and respond differently to the ups and downs of childish behavior. Some of the first advice I got as a parent was to let the baby cry as long as he was dry, fed, and burped. Being the eager "rule follower" that I am, I gave it a shot. I lasted about 30 seconds before I rushed to my dependent little newborn baby boy and offered him the nurturing arms that he needed. As he settled down and began to nurse, I knew that this is the kind of parent I wanted to be. I wanted to be the mother that chose to connect instead of disconnect when the going got tough.
I believe that the misbehavior of children is most often just the foolish choices of inexperienced humans. I also believe that children misbehave because of their inability to communicate effectively. We need to set the bar high for our children, but have realistic expectations and reasonable responses to their mistakes.
As I became a more experienced parent, I happily ignored such advice as "Spray your toddler in the face with a water bottle to stop tantrums", or "Bite your child back if he bites you." and the ever-popular "Wash the mouth out with soap" for swearing or backtalk. I waded through the soft sell approach of "spanking without anger" and the kinder and gentler "time out". I finally reached the point at which I realized that I want to be a solid, gentle, firm, and loving role model for my children without punitive discipline. The name of this blog says it all: Respond with love. It's so basic, yet abandoned so quickly by parents when things get tough. During the most difficult times, when I am feeling angry or frustrated or at my wit's end, I repeat as my mantra, Respond with love. Respond with love. Respond with love...until I am ready to do just that.
I look forward to writing about many parenting topics in the future. Feel free to ask any questions or ask for clarification at any time.
Parenting topics coming up:
1. Robot Parenting
2. Proactive Parenting
3. Assume Positive Intent (A phrase I learned from other mothers in the trenches)
I believe that the misbehavior of children is most often just the foolish choices of inexperienced humans. I also believe that children misbehave because of their inability to communicate effectively. We need to set the bar high for our children, but have realistic expectations and reasonable responses to their mistakes.
As I became a more experienced parent, I happily ignored such advice as "Spray your toddler in the face with a water bottle to stop tantrums", or "Bite your child back if he bites you." and the ever-popular "Wash the mouth out with soap" for swearing or backtalk. I waded through the soft sell approach of "spanking without anger" and the kinder and gentler "time out". I finally reached the point at which I realized that I want to be a solid, gentle, firm, and loving role model for my children without punitive discipline. The name of this blog says it all: Respond with love. It's so basic, yet abandoned so quickly by parents when things get tough. During the most difficult times, when I am feeling angry or frustrated or at my wit's end, I repeat as my mantra, Respond with love. Respond with love. Respond with love...until I am ready to do just that.
I look forward to writing about many parenting topics in the future. Feel free to ask any questions or ask for clarification at any time.
Parenting topics coming up:
1. Robot Parenting
2. Proactive Parenting
3. Assume Positive Intent (A phrase I learned from other mothers in the trenches)
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