This is another little something I discovered quite by accident. My friends and I had the same complaints about our little darlings: They didn't like to share. As is typical for me, I began to consider our problem. Asking our kids to share resulted in tantrums or rude words. That didn't seem right. Forcing the kids to share or "play nicely" seemed all wrong too. We did want them to play respectfully with each other, but forcing them to do so didn't seem like it would instill that desire within them. It seemed more like teaching them to resent the other child for interferring with their play.
My own kids were playing together and the sharing war ensued complete with tears. It was then, that I turned to one of them and said, "It is your turn now. When you are done, your brother would like a turn." Silence...no tears...simply agreement. Keep in mind these kids were around one and three. It was magic! I tried it a few times over the course of the day. It worked every time. I tried it at playgroup. Success!
Ever since then, the term "sharing" has been nearly banned from my vocabulary as a parent. We now use "taking turns". It works with every age group from baby to nearly 11-year-old. Try it!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Sibling Harmony - Part Two
As a writer I tend to get a little long-winded. It is my downfall for sure. I want to make sure I don't miss a thing or that I explaining myself as I intend to. I do recognize that it can be time-consuming and overwhelming to read such long posts so I will try to shorten them without losing the integrity of the information. If at any time you have any questions for me or need clarification, please don't hesitate to post a comment. I will answer back as soon as I can.
Moving onto part two...
So, you've got these kids now. They've been yours for awhile. They are old enough to have a conversation with. They tie their own shoes, and diapers are thing of the past. Then, along comes a brand new baby into your house. Things should be perfect right? The older kids are becoming self-sufficient. Piece of cake...or maybe not.
Older kids have insecurities too. By older, please know that I'm talking about the 6+ age group. Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they need to know there is enough love to go around. They might revert to whining, or crying a lot. They might "forget" things they were so diligent at remembering before the baby. Any sort of odd out-of-character or obnoxious behavior after a new baby is born is likely a mild case of sibling rivalry.
In our house, the techniques have been the same, but the language is just a little more grown up. When my youngest came into the world, my nine-year-old son was both excited and apprehensive. I could see it in his eyes. He was so gentle and loving with the baby, but bordering on hyperactive the rest of the day. He was clearly attention-seeking and frankly, getting on my nerves! After several weeks of diligent use of the "baby complimenting her brother technique" (IE: "She really seems to like you. I think she has excellent taste!") and "making the baby wait", he began to settle down again. He and his brothers also received a full supply of hugs and attention during that time of transition. Never underestimate the power of a hug.
I mentioned in my first sibling post about how I stopped using my own advice! When I had my fourth, she was a little high needs. She spent most of her waking hours cranky and/or crying. She only wanted me, but even with me, she couldn't seem to relax. I joked several months later that she felt more like I was carrying around a piece of 2X4 instead of a soft yummy baby. As a result of her difficult nature, I began to use her as an excuse about why I could not do things. My older two boys took this turn of events as their new reality and hardly missed a beat. My four-year-old however, began to act out. My suddenly sweet, quiet, and lovely boy threw tantrums. He tried to hit me. He was MAD! I should have seen it coming. I used all my best positive parenting techniques to end the tantrums and anger and they began to disappear. I was so proud of myself, but then came the stomach aches, endless thirst, chronic fatigue, and constant hunger.
This went on for months. Finally, I was so worried about him, I took him to the doctor. They did blood work, stool samples, the works! Everything came back negative thank goodness! I distinctly remember the PA asking me in the hallway, "Do you think it could have something to do with the baby?" Me, sounding completely incredulous, "The baby? The baby is 18 months old now! He's had a lot of time to get used to having a new baby in the house." I left, but the idea nagged at me. Was she right? Could all of these physical symptoms be signs of an emotional need not being met?
I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I was frequently making him wait and putting him off because the baby. She always came first. She demanded top-notch service, and she got it! He also started a new educational program in the Fall that required him to be away from me for two mornings a week. Guess who waved him off with smiles on our faces (for encouragement of course!)? The baby and I. I had a moment where I realized how this all must seem to him!
I decided to treat the problem as an emotional one. I went back to basics on sibling relationships. I started noticing differences within a week or two. By six weeks of consistent changes, he was back to his old self, but with a new love for his baby sister.
Next up...Sharing. I promise!
Moving onto part two...
So, you've got these kids now. They've been yours for awhile. They are old enough to have a conversation with. They tie their own shoes, and diapers are thing of the past. Then, along comes a brand new baby into your house. Things should be perfect right? The older kids are becoming self-sufficient. Piece of cake...or maybe not.
Older kids have insecurities too. By older, please know that I'm talking about the 6+ age group. Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they need to know there is enough love to go around. They might revert to whining, or crying a lot. They might "forget" things they were so diligent at remembering before the baby. Any sort of odd out-of-character or obnoxious behavior after a new baby is born is likely a mild case of sibling rivalry.
In our house, the techniques have been the same, but the language is just a little more grown up. When my youngest came into the world, my nine-year-old son was both excited and apprehensive. I could see it in his eyes. He was so gentle and loving with the baby, but bordering on hyperactive the rest of the day. He was clearly attention-seeking and frankly, getting on my nerves! After several weeks of diligent use of the "baby complimenting her brother technique" (IE: "She really seems to like you. I think she has excellent taste!") and "making the baby wait", he began to settle down again. He and his brothers also received a full supply of hugs and attention during that time of transition. Never underestimate the power of a hug.
I mentioned in my first sibling post about how I stopped using my own advice! When I had my fourth, she was a little high needs. She spent most of her waking hours cranky and/or crying. She only wanted me, but even with me, she couldn't seem to relax. I joked several months later that she felt more like I was carrying around a piece of 2X4 instead of a soft yummy baby. As a result of her difficult nature, I began to use her as an excuse about why I could not do things. My older two boys took this turn of events as their new reality and hardly missed a beat. My four-year-old however, began to act out. My suddenly sweet, quiet, and lovely boy threw tantrums. He tried to hit me. He was MAD! I should have seen it coming. I used all my best positive parenting techniques to end the tantrums and anger and they began to disappear. I was so proud of myself, but then came the stomach aches, endless thirst, chronic fatigue, and constant hunger.
This went on for months. Finally, I was so worried about him, I took him to the doctor. They did blood work, stool samples, the works! Everything came back negative thank goodness! I distinctly remember the PA asking me in the hallway, "Do you think it could have something to do with the baby?" Me, sounding completely incredulous, "The baby? The baby is 18 months old now! He's had a lot of time to get used to having a new baby in the house." I left, but the idea nagged at me. Was she right? Could all of these physical symptoms be signs of an emotional need not being met?
I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I was frequently making him wait and putting him off because the baby. She always came first. She demanded top-notch service, and she got it! He also started a new educational program in the Fall that required him to be away from me for two mornings a week. Guess who waved him off with smiles on our faces (for encouragement of course!)? The baby and I. I had a moment where I realized how this all must seem to him!
I decided to treat the problem as an emotional one. I went back to basics on sibling relationships. I started noticing differences within a week or two. By six weeks of consistent changes, he was back to his old self, but with a new love for his baby sister.
Next up...Sharing. I promise!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Question #1
How do you foster sibling harmony?
This issue is near and dear to my heart. How many of us don't have memories of our siblings torturing us in some way or another? Probably not many of us. Ahhh...good times.
So, we're all adults here. We're ok. Right? We can laugh now because we have grown up and most of us have at least some semblance of a relationship with our siblings. It may not be buddy-buddy, but we might see them on occasion, and we can keep from glaring at them for all wedgies they gave us when we were kids. However, in your innermost heart of hearts, don't you remember how awful it felt to be treated poorly by your siblings? So many tears were shed. Sometimes we felt like our parents didn't care what was happening to us. We felt alone, afraid, and sad.
I happened into sibling harmony by accident. I knew I felt strongly that siblings could be friends, but I wasn't sure how I would make that happen. A sibling relationship is complicated, and has several components. Because of its complexity, it will take a few posts to say everything I want to say. I'll tackle each scenario as thoroughly as I can, and stay chronological as much as possible to make it easier to scan articles to find their relevance to your life. Also, at this time, I'm focusing on the actual foundation for sibling friendship. Setting this firm foundation helps reduce the amount of actual sibling discord. These topics preface all future topics about problem solving within the family.
And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or...
When a new baby comes into the house, toddlers and preschoolers need reassurance that mom and dad will have enough love to go around. Something I read a long time ago was to not use the baby as a reason why Mom and Dad aren't as readily available anymore. I agree with this and I am thankful I read it before my firstborn became a big brother. Try to avoid: "I can't play with you now because the baby needs to nurse. I can't go the park right now because the baby is sleeping." When the baby is used as an excuse, toddlers and preschoolers start to see the baby as a real nuisance. They begin to blame the baby for all their tiny little hardships. Having resentment for the baby is a difficult way to start a sibling friendship.
I used a lot of positive words to encourage friendship when I was unable to honor a request from one of my older children at that moment: "Sure we'll go to the park. I'll pack the baby bag and when he gets up, we'll go." OR "Sit right next to me while I nurse. I'll read you a book." It helps to practice phrasing responses in a positive way before you actually receive requests. As a tired new mom, I didn't always have the brain power to come up with a positive response on the fly. I needed a set of positively phrased answers in my brain already so I could use them instead of falling back on old habits.
I used this next technique with my then 3-year-old when we added our second child. It worked so well with him that I tried it the next two times we added siblings. It worked again. I feel confident that it played a part in the solid sibling friendship my kids have.
From the moment the baby was born, I told the older child: "She's so lucky to have you as a brother. You can teach her so many things." Any time the baby focused on their sibling, I would comment: "Oh look! That baby is watching you. She must think you are fantastic." The actual words aren't important, but giving the baby "words" to build up their siblings or compliment them seems to work like a charm. This works well when the older sibling wants to hold the baby. If the baby is content you might say, "The baby is so comfortable in your arms. She must know that you will keep her safe." If the baby isn't actually content, I just point out what the baby is doing, "He's stretching in your arms. He's a little grumpy right now. He says, 'I love my brother, but I need my mommy now for milk.'" I have tried to never deny older siblings from holding the baby even if it is just for brief moments if they request to do so. Any time they chose to bond with the new baby, I encouraged it.
Something else that works well is making the baby wait. I don't actually mean making the baby scream or cry while you attend to the sibling unless you absolutely have to. That happens sometimes, but I try to avoid it. What I am describing is a set-up situation where the baby is asked to wait. This helps assure the older siblings that the baby isn't always first. A good example of this would be getting ready to get in the car. The baby needs the car seat, and the older sibling needs help with his shoes. Within earshot of the older child say to the baby: "I'm going to help your sister with her shoes first. Then I'll put you in your car seat." If the baby is starting to squirm a little, say something like, "You'll be ok little one. You can wait a minute. I'm going to help your sister."
Yes, it is great if parents start this from the moment the baby is born. However, if that isn't how it went in your house, give it a try from this point on. It might take a little time, but it will make a difference. I'll discuss in a later post, how I fell away from this advice when I had my fourth child. The relationship between myself, my second youngest, and the baby became strained. However, once I went back to the basics of sibling friendship, our relationship was repaired.
Next up...Older kids with new siblings, and the art of sharing.
This issue is near and dear to my heart. How many of us don't have memories of our siblings torturing us in some way or another? Probably not many of us. Ahhh...good times.
So, we're all adults here. We're ok. Right? We can laugh now because we have grown up and most of us have at least some semblance of a relationship with our siblings. It may not be buddy-buddy, but we might see them on occasion, and we can keep from glaring at them for all wedgies they gave us when we were kids. However, in your innermost heart of hearts, don't you remember how awful it felt to be treated poorly by your siblings? So many tears were shed. Sometimes we felt like our parents didn't care what was happening to us. We felt alone, afraid, and sad.
I happened into sibling harmony by accident. I knew I felt strongly that siblings could be friends, but I wasn't sure how I would make that happen. A sibling relationship is complicated, and has several components. Because of its complexity, it will take a few posts to say everything I want to say. I'll tackle each scenario as thoroughly as I can, and stay chronological as much as possible to make it easier to scan articles to find their relevance to your life. Also, at this time, I'm focusing on the actual foundation for sibling friendship. Setting this firm foundation helps reduce the amount of actual sibling discord. These topics preface all future topics about problem solving within the family.
And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or...
When a new baby comes into the house, toddlers and preschoolers need reassurance that mom and dad will have enough love to go around. Something I read a long time ago was to not use the baby as a reason why Mom and Dad aren't as readily available anymore. I agree with this and I am thankful I read it before my firstborn became a big brother. Try to avoid: "I can't play with you now because the baby needs to nurse. I can't go the park right now because the baby is sleeping." When the baby is used as an excuse, toddlers and preschoolers start to see the baby as a real nuisance. They begin to blame the baby for all their tiny little hardships. Having resentment for the baby is a difficult way to start a sibling friendship.
I used a lot of positive words to encourage friendship when I was unable to honor a request from one of my older children at that moment: "Sure we'll go to the park. I'll pack the baby bag and when he gets up, we'll go." OR "Sit right next to me while I nurse. I'll read you a book." It helps to practice phrasing responses in a positive way before you actually receive requests. As a tired new mom, I didn't always have the brain power to come up with a positive response on the fly. I needed a set of positively phrased answers in my brain already so I could use them instead of falling back on old habits.
I used this next technique with my then 3-year-old when we added our second child. It worked so well with him that I tried it the next two times we added siblings. It worked again. I feel confident that it played a part in the solid sibling friendship my kids have.
From the moment the baby was born, I told the older child: "She's so lucky to have you as a brother. You can teach her so many things." Any time the baby focused on their sibling, I would comment: "Oh look! That baby is watching you. She must think you are fantastic." The actual words aren't important, but giving the baby "words" to build up their siblings or compliment them seems to work like a charm. This works well when the older sibling wants to hold the baby. If the baby is content you might say, "The baby is so comfortable in your arms. She must know that you will keep her safe." If the baby isn't actually content, I just point out what the baby is doing, "He's stretching in your arms. He's a little grumpy right now. He says, 'I love my brother, but I need my mommy now for milk.'" I have tried to never deny older siblings from holding the baby even if it is just for brief moments if they request to do so. Any time they chose to bond with the new baby, I encouraged it.
Something else that works well is making the baby wait. I don't actually mean making the baby scream or cry while you attend to the sibling unless you absolutely have to. That happens sometimes, but I try to avoid it. What I am describing is a set-up situation where the baby is asked to wait. This helps assure the older siblings that the baby isn't always first. A good example of this would be getting ready to get in the car. The baby needs the car seat, and the older sibling needs help with his shoes. Within earshot of the older child say to the baby: "I'm going to help your sister with her shoes first. Then I'll put you in your car seat." If the baby is starting to squirm a little, say something like, "You'll be ok little one. You can wait a minute. I'm going to help your sister."
Yes, it is great if parents start this from the moment the baby is born. However, if that isn't how it went in your house, give it a try from this point on. It might take a little time, but it will make a difference. I'll discuss in a later post, how I fell away from this advice when I had my fourth child. The relationship between myself, my second youngest, and the baby became strained. However, once I went back to the basics of sibling friendship, our relationship was repaired.
Next up...Older kids with new siblings, and the art of sharing.
Back from a Hiatus
I'm back from a hiatus. It seems I barely got started here before I needed a break. At least I know my limitations right? I'm so excited because I solicited help from some online mom-friends. I wanted some concrete topics to discuss. I love to wax philosophical, but sometimes I just want to roll up my sleeves and dig in to the realities of parenthood. I got so many great topic requests, I'm starting a Q and A. I'll tackle each question one by one until I get through them.
Some of the questions I feel confident jumping right into. Others may require a bit more thought on my part. I also feel the need to add a disclaimer. I would love to think that my ideas would work for every person out there. My advice will often not include such information as: Do X to get Y. However, if I can help a parent see something in a different way, I've accomplished part of my goal.
We are so driven as parents to want to squash bad behaviors. We feel like failures if we don't succeed on the first try with our discipline tactic. We wonder what others will think of us or what we are doing wrong. We are quick to imagine our sons and daughters as future felons if they lie or complete social misfits if they don't share their toys when asked.
I don't live my life in absolutes. Parenting is shades of grey for me. I strive to see every situation as somewhat unique. Continued poor behaviors are patterns formed or a sign of something greater underlying. Because of this belief, I try not to offer "fire extinguisher" parenting tactics. I try to find the cause of the fire so it doesn't need to put it out in the first place.
I hope you can find something of value in my words that you can use in your household.
Some of the questions I feel confident jumping right into. Others may require a bit more thought on my part. I also feel the need to add a disclaimer. I would love to think that my ideas would work for every person out there. My advice will often not include such information as: Do X to get Y. However, if I can help a parent see something in a different way, I've accomplished part of my goal.
We are so driven as parents to want to squash bad behaviors. We feel like failures if we don't succeed on the first try with our discipline tactic. We wonder what others will think of us or what we are doing wrong. We are quick to imagine our sons and daughters as future felons if they lie or complete social misfits if they don't share their toys when asked.
I don't live my life in absolutes. Parenting is shades of grey for me. I strive to see every situation as somewhat unique. Continued poor behaviors are patterns formed or a sign of something greater underlying. Because of this belief, I try not to offer "fire extinguisher" parenting tactics. I try to find the cause of the fire so it doesn't need to put it out in the first place.
I hope you can find something of value in my words that you can use in your household.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Listening more...check!
I'm really getting in the groove of listening more. Not surprisingly, when I am quiet, I really hear what my kids need, and therefore, I am not plagued by communication failure. My plan to listen more this month is working.
It's spilling over into the rest of my life too. I've been faced with two particularly difficult situations outside of my family. Both times, I listened intently, not speaking, until I really had something of value to say. It paid off. Both situations were resolved with good feelings intact.
Making our words count as a parent are so important. Words are so powerful when used correctly, and so completely ineffective when we just toss them out there without thought. Being extroverted, I love to talk. However, using too many words can be my downfall. I often catch myself micromanaging by overusing words instead of just listening.
For example: I might ask my son to do something. Then, I ask the following question to make sure he is on board: "Do you understand what I am asking? Do you need more instruction?" Once he confirms he understands, common sense says that it is time to back off and let it happen. I, on the other hand, put on my control freak hat and start to pepper him with questions, "Can I offer you a hand? Can I get something for you? Would it be helpful to you if...? Are you going to do it now? I don't ask all of these questions, but I ask just enough to annoy a grown man (just ask my husband!) OR to undermine a young growing man and make him feel as if he is not capable of the job at hand.
So, I am listening more, talking less, and stepping back to allow mistakes to happen and messes to be made. I can see all the kids really responding positively to this change.
It's spilling over into the rest of my life too. I've been faced with two particularly difficult situations outside of my family. Both times, I listened intently, not speaking, until I really had something of value to say. It paid off. Both situations were resolved with good feelings intact.
Making our words count as a parent are so important. Words are so powerful when used correctly, and so completely ineffective when we just toss them out there without thought. Being extroverted, I love to talk. However, using too many words can be my downfall. I often catch myself micromanaging by overusing words instead of just listening.
For example: I might ask my son to do something. Then, I ask the following question to make sure he is on board: "Do you understand what I am asking? Do you need more instruction?" Once he confirms he understands, common sense says that it is time to back off and let it happen. I, on the other hand, put on my control freak hat and start to pepper him with questions, "Can I offer you a hand? Can I get something for you? Would it be helpful to you if...? Are you going to do it now? I don't ask all of these questions, but I ask just enough to annoy a grown man (just ask my husband!) OR to undermine a young growing man and make him feel as if he is not capable of the job at hand.
So, I am listening more, talking less, and stepping back to allow mistakes to happen and messes to be made. I can see all the kids really responding positively to this change.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I Can Really Only Change Myself
As often happens, when I feel at my wit's end, something gives, and life starts to feel a little smoother somehow. That seems to be the case now. It's a relief for me to feel proactive. I think what was getting me down the most was that I was starting to see my kids as a source of all of life's little irritations. If something was lost, it must have been the kids. If the house was a mess, the kids did nearly all of it. If something was broken, it wouldn't have been if it weren't for those meddling kids (too much Scooby Doo in this house!) Some of this is actually quite accurate. I recognized the depth of my frustration though, when I started seeing even their requests for food and snacks as an imposition.
This kind of parenting issue sneaks up on me. I'll be going about my positively merry way, when I'll start to waver a bit and have a bad moment here and there. Then, I'll have a couple of rough days. Finally, I'll have nothing but bad days, before I get that smack from the universe that begs me to make a change.
So, who changes? The kids are working with limited skills and life experience. It's going to be up to me. I'm often amazed at how quickly they adapt to my bad mood by matching it. I'm having a bad day? Guess what? Today is the day my five-year-old refuses to wear his shoes all day. It's also the day that the baby decides she's skipping her nap. Just for good measure, the seven-year-old throws a tantrum over something I threw away a year ago (But that was my favorite broken toy!), and my ten-year-old fades into the background and into his own little world. It can be a bit lonely knowing I am the only one who can turn this situation around, and sometimes I just get tired. So tired, that I take a day off from trying. That day turns into two or three, and life just feels like autopilot.
I'm not in this world to live on autopilot, providing basic meals, obligitory hugs and kisses, and general positive support. I'm in this life to live! I'm here to connect with my kids, do my mothering 100%, and enjoy this beautiful family my husband and I have. If I'm not accomplishing these goals, I can only really change myself, and in changing myself, my family will follow. They can share my bad mood, but they can also share my enthusiasm for life, my love of learning, and my ability to adapt to life's little ups and downs. So to the kids I say, Bring it on! I'm back. I'm ready, and I love you.
This kind of parenting issue sneaks up on me. I'll be going about my positively merry way, when I'll start to waver a bit and have a bad moment here and there. Then, I'll have a couple of rough days. Finally, I'll have nothing but bad days, before I get that smack from the universe that begs me to make a change.
So, who changes? The kids are working with limited skills and life experience. It's going to be up to me. I'm often amazed at how quickly they adapt to my bad mood by matching it. I'm having a bad day? Guess what? Today is the day my five-year-old refuses to wear his shoes all day. It's also the day that the baby decides she's skipping her nap. Just for good measure, the seven-year-old throws a tantrum over something I threw away a year ago (But that was my favorite broken toy!), and my ten-year-old fades into the background and into his own little world. It can be a bit lonely knowing I am the only one who can turn this situation around, and sometimes I just get tired. So tired, that I take a day off from trying. That day turns into two or three, and life just feels like autopilot.
I'm not in this world to live on autopilot, providing basic meals, obligitory hugs and kisses, and general positive support. I'm in this life to live! I'm here to connect with my kids, do my mothering 100%, and enjoy this beautiful family my husband and I have. If I'm not accomplishing these goals, I can only really change myself, and in changing myself, my family will follow. They can share my bad mood, but they can also share my enthusiasm for life, my love of learning, and my ability to adapt to life's little ups and downs. So to the kids I say, Bring it on! I'm back. I'm ready, and I love you.
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Month of Love
As a parent, I've feeling lately, like crawling in a hole and giving up. I realize that some of you are thinking: What?!? Stacy feels this way too? The answer is a big fat yes. I wouldn't trade one of my darlings away for anything, but I really am recognizing that I'm at my threshold as far as my ability to mother the quantity of children I have. This puts to rest the question from nosy people, "Will you have more kids?" Um...no.
The last eighteen months have been some of the most challenging I've ever had. I've felt more irritation, grief, anger, frustration, and guilt than I ever have in my 10+ years of parenting. I have four kids at four distinct ages, with four very distinct personalities, and I feel sometimes like I'm getting sucked down a drain.
I know in my heart that all the things that are going on can be fixed, so I'm spending the next thirty days working on mothering my children better. Lest anyone think I'm too hard on myself, let me offer thanks. I appreciate that you feel that way. Really, I do! I'm a very easy-going person. I do not expect perfection by any means. There is no perfect mother or father. I do think that since my career choice is to be a mother, I should be doing the best job that I can. I would be giving my all to a paying job, and I see this as no different, and in many ways, more important.
My goals for the month are as follows:
1. Make better food
2. Enlist the kids help with more of the housework
3. Read to my children more
4. Appreciate the time I have to myself
5. Listen more and enjoy the company of my kids
The name of this post is amusing to me. A Month of Love? That's it? I hope it will jump start some new behaviors that will continue on. I have more than a month of love to give. I've got a lifetime of love for my kids. I want to make sure that they know it, and feel it, every single day.
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