Emotional Sprinter or Emotional Endurance Athlete?

I had intended to make by next article about robot parenting which is basically the assumption by others that a parent will come across as a robot if they don't display some sort of "flying off the handle" response at some point in their parenting career--that large emotional displays by parents show their children valuable human qualities. I promise to elaborate on that in the future, but I was moved to write this article today instead. I will visit that topic soon.

I like to run. I run anywhere from three to six days per week depending on whether or not I am training for something in particular. During my last training period, I was logging some higher mileage long runs (called Long Slow Runs or LSR's by runners). During these times, I had a lot of time to think. When I run, I find I am much better at longer distances. I can sustain my pace for a long period of time much more successfully than I can sprint a 5K distance. Runners often talk about how a lot of this is mental and I completely agree. I am physically capable of sprinting a 5k, but my heart is just not in it. I'd rather run 7-8 slower miles than breathe hard and heavy for 3.1.

It was during one of my LSR's that I realized a correlation between running and emotional response to crisis or other ups and downs of life. First, there are emotional sprinters. I have no idea if I've originated this phrase or not. If not, no plagiarism intended. If so, Emotional Sprinter© 2007 all rights reserved. Emotional Sprinters are great in a crisis. They remain level-headed, supportive, non-judgmental, and loving during difficult times. They can sustain this emotional sprint for a short amount of time. They may poop out over the long haul, but for the immediate need, they are there for you.

The next type of response is by the Emotional Endurance Athlete. During crisis, they may not be in the first wave of responders, but over time, you recognize them as strong, solid, and unwavering in their love and support.

So, what am I? What are you? Most importantly, how can this help parenting? As I was running and reflecting, I first identified myself as an emotional sprinter. If something sad happens to a friend, I am right there to offer a shoulder. I can handle adults crying in front of me, birth and death, and even blood-shed. I can arrange meals for a postpartum mother or whip up a last-minute costume when I get a desperate call from a friend. I can sustain this emotional sprint until the crisis has passed, and I then let the emotional endurance athletes take the second wave as I fade into the shadows to rest.

I then thought more about my friendships and other relationships--especially with my children. There are days that I feel like I have nothing to give my kids, my husband, or my friends, but overall, I am able to pace myself and give them what they need while not draining myself in the process. This would be a solid characteristic of the emotional endurance athlete. So, it seems I am both, but I do feel I respond most often as an emotional sprinter.

How can this help my parenting or yours? Daily life as a parent is filled with small crisis. Jenny refuses to wash her hair at bath time. David gets so angry he slams his bedroom door and cracks the door jam. Evie has thrown 5 tantrums by 10:00 a.m. Jack accidentally threw a golf ball through the garage window. Alexis cut her bangs with the scissors left out by her sister. How about our own problems as parents? The bills are due and there is no money left in the checkbook. We are out of milk and the car is in the shop getting the brakes repaired. You miss an appointment because you forgot to write it down on the correct day. The dog got sick on the living room rug.

If you are overdeveloped as an emotional endurance athlete, you may feel very overwhelmed and ill-equipped to handle the daily ups and downs. You may find that you overreact to the little annoyances (IE: sighing heavily or making snide remarks about a spilled beverage). You may also simply shut down during a true crisis.

If you are a fine emotional sprinter, but have very little endurance, you may swoop in to solve problems such as happily cleaning up the spilled beverage, but then disappear until the next problem comes up. You may find yourself constantly putting your kids off: "We'll play a game later. Go play in your room. I'm just going to sit here on the computer for awhile. Go watch T.V. Go find somewhere else to play." You might also have days where you are on fire! You bake cookies, play board games, take a walk, read five books to the kids, make their favorite dinner, then top it off with an improvisational story about a bow-tie wearing mouse before bedtime. However, the next day, you don't feel like you have the energy or desire to do anything and you just want to be left alone.

Most of us definitely have both qualities. If we didn't, why would we get out of bed each day knowing good and well there will be a mess to clean up, a nose to wipe, and maybe even a sibling brawl to referee. Why would we subject ourselves to parenthood without counting down the days until our kids reach adulthood (Yay! only 13 years, 5 days, and 23 hours until Betty is 18 and outta' here!). Recognizing our dominate emotional traits can help us build up our weaknesses. We need to have the endurance to establish ourselves as solid and loving parents, and the sprinting capability to react during difficult times with reasonable responses.

So, think about it. The parenting race is very long with hills, straight aways, rain showers, full sun, barking dogs, and even the occasional injury. Developing yourself as both an emotional sprinter and an emotional endurance athlete will take you the full distance with more ease and definitely with more grace.

Respond With Love

It didn't take me very long into my first days of parenthood to find out that I react and respond differently to the ups and downs of childish behavior. Some of the first advice I got as a parent was to let the baby cry as long as he was dry, fed, and burped. Being the eager "rule follower" that I am, I gave it a shot. I lasted about 30 seconds before I rushed to my dependent little newborn baby boy and offered him the nurturing arms that he needed. As he settled down and began to nurse, I knew that this is the kind of parent I wanted to be. I wanted to be the mother that chose to connect instead of disconnect when the going got tough.

I believe that the misbehavior of children is most often just the foolish choices of inexperienced humans. I also believe that children misbehave because of their inability to communicate effectively. We need to set the bar high for our children, but have realistic expectations and reasonable responses to their mistakes.

As I became a more experienced parent, I happily ignored such advice as "Spray your toddler in the face with a water bottle to stop tantrums", or "Bite your child back if he bites you." and the ever-popular "Wash the mouth out with soap" for swearing or backtalk. I waded through the soft sell approach of "spanking without anger" and the kinder and gentler "time out". I finally reached the point at which I realized that I want to be a solid, gentle, firm, and loving role model for my children without punitive discipline. The name of this blog says it all: Respond with love. It's so basic, yet abandoned so quickly by parents when things get tough. During the most difficult times, when I am feeling angry or frustrated or at my wit's end, I repeat as my mantra, Respond with love. Respond with love. Respond with love...until I am ready to do just that.

I look forward to writing about many parenting topics in the future. Feel free to ask any questions or ask for clarification at any time.

Parenting topics coming up:
1. Robot Parenting
2. Proactive Parenting
3. Assume Positive Intent (A phrase I learned from other mothers in the trenches)