I Can Really Only Change Myself

As often happens, when I feel at my wit's end, something gives, and life starts to feel a little smoother somehow. That seems to be the case now. It's a relief for me to feel proactive. I think what was getting me down the most was that I was starting to see my kids as a source of all of life's little irritations. If something was lost, it must have been the kids. If the house was a mess, the kids did nearly all of it. If something was broken, it wouldn't have been if it weren't for those meddling kids (too much Scooby Doo in this house!) Some of this is actually quite accurate. I recognized the depth of my frustration though, when I started seeing even their requests for food and snacks as an imposition.

This kind of parenting issue sneaks up on me. I'll be going about my positively merry way, when I'll start to waver a bit and have a bad moment here and there. Then, I'll have a couple of rough days. Finally, I'll have nothing but bad days, before I get that smack from the universe that begs me to make a change.

So, who changes? The kids are working with limited skills and life experience. It's going to be up to me. I'm often amazed at how quickly they adapt to my bad mood by matching it. I'm having a bad day? Guess what? Today is the day my five-year-old refuses to wear his shoes all day. It's also the day that the baby decides she's skipping her nap. Just for good measure, the seven-year-old throws a tantrum over something I threw away a year ago (But that was my favorite broken toy!), and my ten-year-old fades into the background and into his own little world. It can be a bit lonely knowing I am the only one who can turn this situation around, and sometimes I just get tired. So tired, that I take a day off from trying. That day turns into two or three, and life just feels like autopilot.

I'm not in this world to live on autopilot, providing basic meals, obligitory hugs and kisses, and general positive support. I'm in this life to live! I'm here to connect with my kids, do my mothering 100%, and enjoy this beautiful family my husband and I have. If I'm not accomplishing these goals, I can only really change myself, and in changing myself, my family will follow. They can share my bad mood, but they can also share my enthusiasm for life, my love of learning, and my ability to adapt to life's little ups and downs. So to the kids I say, Bring it on! I'm back. I'm ready, and I love you.

A Month of Love

As a parent, I've feeling lately, like crawling in a hole and giving up. I realize that some of you are thinking: What?!? Stacy feels this way too? The answer is a big fat yes. I wouldn't trade one of my darlings away for anything, but I really am recognizing that I'm at my threshold as far as my ability to mother the quantity of children I have. This puts to rest the question from nosy people, "Will you have more kids?" Um...no.

The last eighteen months have been some of the most challenging I've ever had. I've felt more irritation, grief, anger, frustration, and guilt than I ever have in my 10+ years of parenting. I have four kids at four distinct ages, with four very distinct personalities, and I feel sometimes like I'm getting sucked down a drain.

I know in my heart that all the things that are going on can be fixed, so I'm spending the next thirty days working on mothering my children better. Lest anyone think I'm too hard on myself, let me offer thanks. I appreciate that you feel that way. Really, I do! I'm a very easy-going person. I do not expect perfection by any means. There is no perfect mother or father. I do think that since my career choice is to be a mother, I should be doing the best job that I can. I would be giving my all to a paying job, and I see this as no different, and in many ways, more important.

My goals for the month are as follows:
1. Make better food
2. Enlist the kids help with more of the housework
3. Read to my children more
4. Appreciate the time I have to myself
5. Listen more and enjoy the company of my kids

The name of this post is amusing to me. A Month of Love? That's it? I hope it will jump start some new behaviors that will continue on. I have more than a month of love to give. I've got a lifetime of love for my kids. I want to make sure that they know it, and feel it, every single day.