Help...My Kid Just Exploded.

I feel like I am cheating a bit with this post. I admit that I'm recycling parts of a response I wrote after being asked about what to do with an older child who lashes out and tantrums in anger. This particular child was around six years old. I've got a lot of topics swirling about in my brain, but limited time to type them out. So, this will have to suffice in the interim.

This response was born out of both the child's tantrum, and the fact that while he was raging, there was no getting through to him.

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Something I hear often, and need to remind myself of frequently, is that we almost always get nowhere in the heat of the moment. At that time, we can only remind our kids of the rules and be very clear about them. When kids get this wild and out of control, they cannot stop themselves at that moment, so they really can't easily "snap out of it" when asked. Many kids are coerced into stopping by a punishment. This is a short-term fix.

Kids need skills. If they have no skills, they act on pure emotion, and clearly, different kids have a different range of emotion.

My oldest is a practical sort. Around this age we had the talk about the police. Let me be clear and say that I did not threaten him nor did I try to make him afraid. I just needed him to know how things go down as you get into adulthood. If I had been concerned that he would be frightened or feel threatened, I would not have had this conversation. Keep in mind this talk was during a neutral time, not in the middle of a tantrum.

I told him that grown-ups who kick others, damage property, and threaten others can go to jail. I told him that acting that way as a grown up is so serious that others will call the police (and should!) if they fear for their safety. I told him that damaging property, yelling violent and threatening words, and screaming are simply unacceptable behaviors and we needed to work together to teach him the skills to control his anger if he felt it reaching that level. This was part of growing up so he could learn to control his anger as a child before it got too difficult as an adult.

We described the anger together: "It is a tightening. I feel it start in my toes, and work up to my belly, and come flying out my fists and mouth."

We practiced tightening up and feeling it and pretending that we were very very angry.

We then talked about solutions. I taught him about counting to ten and thinking and taking deep breaths. I showed him how to punch a pillow, but he didn't like that idea. I gave him a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw scribbly circles really fast on it. He settled on counting to 10.

We made a plan. If he felt that anger bubbling up, he was to remove himself right away. His safe place was his room. I asked him if he wanted me to be a part of it or to leave him alone. He asked me to follow him when he felt explosive. After he left, he was to begin his counting to ten and deep breathing.

Now he had skills. The next time he started to become angry and ready to lash out, I reminded him of our "plan". We ran to his room, he did his deep breathing, and he caught himself before he got too angry.

After a few times, he didn't seem to need to follow the plan anymore. He had successfully "reprogrammed" himself to react more appropriately.

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