Question #1

How do you foster sibling harmony?

This issue is near and dear to my heart. How many of us don't have memories of our siblings torturing us in some way or another? Probably not many of us. Ahhh...good times.

So, we're all adults here. We're ok. Right? We can laugh now because we have grown up and most of us have at least some semblance of a relationship with our siblings. It may not be buddy-buddy, but we might see them on occasion, and we can keep from glaring at them for all wedgies they gave us when we were kids. However, in your innermost heart of hearts, don't you remember how awful it felt to be treated poorly by your siblings? So many tears were shed. Sometimes we felt like our parents didn't care what was happening to us. We felt alone, afraid, and sad.

I happened into sibling harmony by accident. I knew I felt strongly that siblings could be friends, but I wasn't sure how I would make that happen. A sibling relationship is complicated, and has several components. Because of its complexity, it will take a few posts to say everything I want to say. I'll tackle each scenario as thoroughly as I can, and stay chronological as much as possible to make it easier to scan articles to find their relevance to your life. Also, at this time, I'm focusing on the actual foundation for sibling friendship. Setting this firm foundation helps reduce the amount of actual sibling discord. These topics preface all future topics about problem solving within the family.

And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or...
When a new baby comes into the house, toddlers and preschoolers need reassurance that mom and dad will have enough love to go around. Something I read a long time ago was to not use the baby as a reason why Mom and Dad aren't as readily available anymore. I agree with this and I am thankful I read it before my firstborn became a big brother. Try to avoid: "I can't play with you now because the baby needs to nurse. I can't go the park right now because the baby is sleeping." When the baby is used as an excuse, toddlers and preschoolers start to see the baby as a real nuisance. They begin to blame the baby for all their tiny little hardships. Having resentment for the baby is a difficult way to start a sibling friendship.

I used a lot of positive words to encourage friendship when I was unable to honor a request from one of my older children at that moment: "Sure we'll go to the park. I'll pack the baby bag and when he gets up, we'll go." OR "Sit right next to me while I nurse. I'll read you a book." It helps to practice phrasing responses in a positive way before you actually receive requests. As a tired new mom, I didn't always have the brain power to come up with a positive response on the fly. I needed a set of positively phrased answers in my brain already so I could use them instead of falling back on old habits.

I used this next technique with my then 3-year-old when we added our second child. It worked so well with him that I tried it the next two times we added siblings. It worked again. I feel confident that it played a part in the solid sibling friendship my kids have.

From the moment the baby was born, I told the older child: "She's so lucky to have you as a brother. You can teach her so many things." Any time the baby focused on their sibling, I would comment: "Oh look! That baby is watching you. She must think you are fantastic." The actual words aren't important, but giving the baby "words" to build up their siblings or compliment them seems to work like a charm. This works well when the older sibling wants to hold the baby. If the baby is content you might say, "The baby is so comfortable in your arms. She must know that you will keep her safe." If the baby isn't actually content, I just point out what the baby is doing, "He's stretching in your arms. He's a little grumpy right now. He says, 'I love my brother, but I need my mommy now for milk.'" I have tried to never deny older siblings from holding the baby even if it is just for brief moments if they request to do so. Any time they chose to bond with the new baby, I encouraged it.

Something else that works well is making the baby wait. I don't actually mean making the baby scream or cry while you attend to the sibling unless you absolutely have to. That happens sometimes, but I try to avoid it. What I am describing is a set-up situation where the baby is asked to wait. This helps assure the older siblings that the baby isn't always first. A good example of this would be getting ready to get in the car. The baby needs the car seat, and the older sibling needs help with his shoes. Within earshot of the older child say to the baby: "I'm going to help your sister with her shoes first. Then I'll put you in your car seat." If the baby is starting to squirm a little, say something like, "You'll be ok little one. You can wait a minute. I'm going to help your sister."

Yes, it is great if parents start this from the moment the baby is born. However, if that isn't how it went in your house, give it a try from this point on. It might take a little time, but it will make a difference. I'll discuss in a later post, how I fell away from this advice when I had my fourth child. The relationship between myself, my second youngest, and the baby became strained. However, once I went back to the basics of sibling friendship, our relationship was repaired.

Next up...Older kids with new siblings, and the art of sharing.