As a writer I tend to get a little long-winded. It is my downfall for sure. I want to make sure I don't miss a thing or that I explaining myself as I intend to. I do recognize that it can be time-consuming and overwhelming to read such long posts so I will try to shorten them without losing the integrity of the information. If at any time you have any questions for me or need clarification, please don't hesitate to post a comment. I will answer back as soon as I can.
Moving onto part two...
So, you've got these kids now. They've been yours for awhile. They are old enough to have a conversation with. They tie their own shoes, and diapers are thing of the past. Then, along comes a brand new baby into your house. Things should be perfect right? The older kids are becoming self-sufficient. Piece of cake...or maybe not.
Older kids have insecurities too. By older, please know that I'm talking about the 6+ age group. Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they need to know there is enough love to go around. They might revert to whining, or crying a lot. They might "forget" things they were so diligent at remembering before the baby. Any sort of odd out-of-character or obnoxious behavior after a new baby is born is likely a mild case of sibling rivalry.
In our house, the techniques have been the same, but the language is just a little more grown up. When my youngest came into the world, my nine-year-old son was both excited and apprehensive. I could see it in his eyes. He was so gentle and loving with the baby, but bordering on hyperactive the rest of the day. He was clearly attention-seeking and frankly, getting on my nerves! After several weeks of diligent use of the "baby complimenting her brother technique" (IE: "She really seems to like you. I think she has excellent taste!") and "making the baby wait", he began to settle down again. He and his brothers also received a full supply of hugs and attention during that time of transition. Never underestimate the power of a hug.
I mentioned in my first sibling post about how I stopped using my own advice! When I had my fourth, she was a little high needs. She spent most of her waking hours cranky and/or crying. She only wanted me, but even with me, she couldn't seem to relax. I joked several months later that she felt more like I was carrying around a piece of 2X4 instead of a soft yummy baby. As a result of her difficult nature, I began to use her as an excuse about why I could not do things. My older two boys took this turn of events as their new reality and hardly missed a beat. My four-year-old however, began to act out. My suddenly sweet, quiet, and lovely boy threw tantrums. He tried to hit me. He was MAD! I should have seen it coming. I used all my best positive parenting techniques to end the tantrums and anger and they began to disappear. I was so proud of myself, but then came the stomach aches, endless thirst, chronic fatigue, and constant hunger.
This went on for months. Finally, I was so worried about him, I took him to the doctor. They did blood work, stool samples, the works! Everything came back negative thank goodness! I distinctly remember the PA asking me in the hallway, "Do you think it could have something to do with the baby?" Me, sounding completely incredulous, "The baby? The baby is 18 months old now! He's had a lot of time to get used to having a new baby in the house." I left, but the idea nagged at me. Was she right? Could all of these physical symptoms be signs of an emotional need not being met?
I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I was frequently making him wait and putting him off because the baby. She always came first. She demanded top-notch service, and she got it! He also started a new educational program in the Fall that required him to be away from me for two mornings a week. Guess who waved him off with smiles on our faces (for encouragement of course!)? The baby and I. I had a moment where I realized how this all must seem to him!
I decided to treat the problem as an emotional one. I went back to basics on sibling relationships. I started noticing differences within a week or two. By six weeks of consistent changes, he was back to his old self, but with a new love for his baby sister.
Next up...Sharing. I promise!
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3 comments:
I don't remember how I found your blog, but I love it! Please keep posting. I'm finding many many useful tools that I can use in my parenting. And I go to bed not feeling guilty or unhappy about how I've parented my children. I can do things that show them I love them while teaching them to make good choices vs telling them I love them and forcing them to make the choice I want them to (which can be pretty confusing to a child don't you think?) I still struggle and I have soooo far to go, but this blog really does help me and I wanted you to know that. Thank you
What a wonderful compliment. Thank you so much. You have really touched on so beautifully what I hope to instill in my kids. Keep at it. Never doubt that you can do it. Every day that you try is a day you are parenting with your heart wide open.
S - I remember reading about your concerns with your youngest son's health, but I don't recall reading about the discovery/insight that led to resolution. I so admire your willingness to be so thoughtful, and to pursue the self-inquiry that leads to your sharing here. So many of us benefit from it! :)
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