I feel like I am cheating a bit with this post. I admit that I'm recycling parts of a response I wrote after being asked about what to do with an older child who lashes out and tantrums in anger. This particular child was around six years old. I've got a lot of topics swirling about in my brain, but limited time to type them out. So, this will have to suffice in the interim.
This response was born out of both the child's tantrum, and the fact that while he was raging, there was no getting through to him.
**********
Something I hear often, and need to remind myself of frequently, is that we almost always get nowhere in the heat of the moment. At that time, we can only remind our kids of the rules and be very clear about them. When kids get this wild and out of control, they cannot stop themselves at that moment, so they really can't easily "snap out of it" when asked. Many kids are coerced into stopping by a punishment. This is a short-term fix.
Kids need skills. If they have no skills, they act on pure emotion, and clearly, different kids have a different range of emotion.
My oldest is a practical sort. Around this age we had the talk about the police. Let me be clear and say that I did not threaten him nor did I try to make him afraid. I just needed him to know how things go down as you get into adulthood. If I had been concerned that he would be frightened or feel threatened, I would not have had this conversation. Keep in mind this talk was during a neutral time, not in the middle of a tantrum.
I told him that grown-ups who kick others, damage property, and threaten others can go to jail. I told him that acting that way as a grown up is so serious that others will call the police (and should!) if they fear for their safety. I told him that damaging property, yelling violent and threatening words, and screaming are simply unacceptable behaviors and we needed to work together to teach him the skills to control his anger if he felt it reaching that level. This was part of growing up so he could learn to control his anger as a child before it got too difficult as an adult.
We described the anger together: "It is a tightening. I feel it start in my toes, and work up to my belly, and come flying out my fists and mouth."
We practiced tightening up and feeling it and pretending that we were very very angry.
We then talked about solutions. I taught him about counting to ten and thinking and taking deep breaths. I showed him how to punch a pillow, but he didn't like that idea. I gave him a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw scribbly circles really fast on it. He settled on counting to 10.
We made a plan. If he felt that anger bubbling up, he was to remove himself right away. His safe place was his room. I asked him if he wanted me to be a part of it or to leave him alone. He asked me to follow him when he felt explosive. After he left, he was to begin his counting to ten and deep breathing.
Now he had skills. The next time he started to become angry and ready to lash out, I reminded him of our "plan". We ran to his room, he did his deep breathing, and he caught himself before he got too angry.
After a few times, he didn't seem to need to follow the plan anymore. He had successfully "reprogrammed" himself to react more appropriately.
**********
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Hang onto your hats...the terrific twos have arrived!
I've just been on vacation again, which I love, and low and behold, my daughter has decided to exercise her independence and her lungs (which incidentally work very well). I remember well with the boys that age three was much more challenging than age two. So, I have been under the mistaken impression that I had over a year left before the true roller coaster ride began. Yeah...not so much.
It happened so quickly!. One minute my sweet girly was following me around and doing exactly as I said showing others that I truly am the best mother (You all know this is a joke right?). Then, as if a switch had been flipped, she began crying and wailing at the drop of a hat. She now collapses to the ground in frustration if she doesn't get her way. Not only does she not come when I call, she turns the other way and bolts. She doesn't like to hold my hand in parking lots anymore, and she stiffens like a 2X4 when I try to put her in her carseat. All-in-all, taking her anywhere and requesting something of her is not the pleasant experience it was even three weeks ago.
How I love this girl though! I know I'm in for a ride over the next 18+ years, but something about this behavior feel comforting this time around. I know she is growing up, moving on, and going through each stage just as she should. It's my rose-colored glasses approach to parenting during a difficult situation.
On a particularly trying day of melt-down after melt-down, I was at an art fair buying some photos. My busy little toddler was trying to spin around the photo card display to see if she could make the cards fly off. I didn't feel the artist would find this nearly as amusing as my little one so I stopped her from spinning by saying, "Not for baby" and gently held her hands back. She immediately melted to the ground into a pile of baby goo. She added screeching for good measure. Being a bit stuck and in the middle of the transaction, all I could do was pluck her off the ground and tuck her under my arm until I could high tail it out of there. She continued flailing about and wailing while I finished.
After removing her, I had to put her down or risk her wiggling so vigorously that I would drop her. I placed her on the parking lot and gently followed her head down with my hands so it wouldn't hit the pavement. Then, I stepped aside while she laid there in protest. She began to risk injuring herself by rolling about so I picked her rigid body up and placed it on the grass instead. Still, she remained upset. I talked to her gently, and tried to coax her to come with me. She would quiet down until I would try to pick her up. Then, she would start screeching and flailing again until I left her alone.
During my wait, I thought about all the years I'd been a parent. I tried hard to remember the other kids doing this same thing. What did I do? When did it end? I ran down all the bad advice I'd ever received. None of that seemed right either. I decided to wait it out.
Just as I was getting worn out and tired of this mess, a woman walked up to me. She had watched this whole scene play out unnoticed by me. I was prepared for the worst, but she said to me, "I remember being in your shoes. It's so hard. You are doing the right thing. You are such a good mother.". My jaw nearly dropped. I told her, "You don't know how much I need to hear that right now. I don't think many people would agree with how I'm handling this." She replied, "I agree with you."
So to all of my readers, please remember, You are good parents. When you think you are at the end of your rope, there are many other parents hanging on there with you. If no one else comes up to you and tells you that you are doing a good job, picture me telling you. I'm on your side. I'm your personal cheerleader.
And how did it end? My feisty little one eventually decided that getting snuggles and kisses from Mommy was much better than laying on the ground under a tree. The eventual nap also worked its magic.
It happened so quickly!. One minute my sweet girly was following me around and doing exactly as I said showing others that I truly am the best mother (You all know this is a joke right?). Then, as if a switch had been flipped, she began crying and wailing at the drop of a hat. She now collapses to the ground in frustration if she doesn't get her way. Not only does she not come when I call, she turns the other way and bolts. She doesn't like to hold my hand in parking lots anymore, and she stiffens like a 2X4 when I try to put her in her carseat. All-in-all, taking her anywhere and requesting something of her is not the pleasant experience it was even three weeks ago.
How I love this girl though! I know I'm in for a ride over the next 18+ years, but something about this behavior feel comforting this time around. I know she is growing up, moving on, and going through each stage just as she should. It's my rose-colored glasses approach to parenting during a difficult situation.
On a particularly trying day of melt-down after melt-down, I was at an art fair buying some photos. My busy little toddler was trying to spin around the photo card display to see if she could make the cards fly off. I didn't feel the artist would find this nearly as amusing as my little one so I stopped her from spinning by saying, "Not for baby" and gently held her hands back. She immediately melted to the ground into a pile of baby goo. She added screeching for good measure. Being a bit stuck and in the middle of the transaction, all I could do was pluck her off the ground and tuck her under my arm until I could high tail it out of there. She continued flailing about and wailing while I finished.
After removing her, I had to put her down or risk her wiggling so vigorously that I would drop her. I placed her on the parking lot and gently followed her head down with my hands so it wouldn't hit the pavement. Then, I stepped aside while she laid there in protest. She began to risk injuring herself by rolling about so I picked her rigid body up and placed it on the grass instead. Still, she remained upset. I talked to her gently, and tried to coax her to come with me. She would quiet down until I would try to pick her up. Then, she would start screeching and flailing again until I left her alone.
During my wait, I thought about all the years I'd been a parent. I tried hard to remember the other kids doing this same thing. What did I do? When did it end? I ran down all the bad advice I'd ever received. None of that seemed right either. I decided to wait it out.
Just as I was getting worn out and tired of this mess, a woman walked up to me. She had watched this whole scene play out unnoticed by me. I was prepared for the worst, but she said to me, "I remember being in your shoes. It's so hard. You are doing the right thing. You are such a good mother.". My jaw nearly dropped. I told her, "You don't know how much I need to hear that right now. I don't think many people would agree with how I'm handling this." She replied, "I agree with you."
So to all of my readers, please remember, You are good parents. When you think you are at the end of your rope, there are many other parents hanging on there with you. If no one else comes up to you and tells you that you are doing a good job, picture me telling you. I'm on your side. I'm your personal cheerleader.
And how did it end? My feisty little one eventually decided that getting snuggles and kisses from Mommy was much better than laying on the ground under a tree. The eventual nap also worked its magic.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Sibling Harmony and Sharing
This is another little something I discovered quite by accident. My friends and I had the same complaints about our little darlings: They didn't like to share. As is typical for me, I began to consider our problem. Asking our kids to share resulted in tantrums or rude words. That didn't seem right. Forcing the kids to share or "play nicely" seemed all wrong too. We did want them to play respectfully with each other, but forcing them to do so didn't seem like it would instill that desire within them. It seemed more like teaching them to resent the other child for interferring with their play.
My own kids were playing together and the sharing war ensued complete with tears. It was then, that I turned to one of them and said, "It is your turn now. When you are done, your brother would like a turn." Silence...no tears...simply agreement. Keep in mind these kids were around one and three. It was magic! I tried it a few times over the course of the day. It worked every time. I tried it at playgroup. Success!
Ever since then, the term "sharing" has been nearly banned from my vocabulary as a parent. We now use "taking turns". It works with every age group from baby to nearly 11-year-old. Try it!
My own kids were playing together and the sharing war ensued complete with tears. It was then, that I turned to one of them and said, "It is your turn now. When you are done, your brother would like a turn." Silence...no tears...simply agreement. Keep in mind these kids were around one and three. It was magic! I tried it a few times over the course of the day. It worked every time. I tried it at playgroup. Success!
Ever since then, the term "sharing" has been nearly banned from my vocabulary as a parent. We now use "taking turns". It works with every age group from baby to nearly 11-year-old. Try it!
Sibling Harmony - Part Two
As a writer I tend to get a little long-winded. It is my downfall for sure. I want to make sure I don't miss a thing or that I explaining myself as I intend to. I do recognize that it can be time-consuming and overwhelming to read such long posts so I will try to shorten them without losing the integrity of the information. If at any time you have any questions for me or need clarification, please don't hesitate to post a comment. I will answer back as soon as I can.
Moving onto part two...
So, you've got these kids now. They've been yours for awhile. They are old enough to have a conversation with. They tie their own shoes, and diapers are thing of the past. Then, along comes a brand new baby into your house. Things should be perfect right? The older kids are becoming self-sufficient. Piece of cake...or maybe not.
Older kids have insecurities too. By older, please know that I'm talking about the 6+ age group. Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they need to know there is enough love to go around. They might revert to whining, or crying a lot. They might "forget" things they were so diligent at remembering before the baby. Any sort of odd out-of-character or obnoxious behavior after a new baby is born is likely a mild case of sibling rivalry.
In our house, the techniques have been the same, but the language is just a little more grown up. When my youngest came into the world, my nine-year-old son was both excited and apprehensive. I could see it in his eyes. He was so gentle and loving with the baby, but bordering on hyperactive the rest of the day. He was clearly attention-seeking and frankly, getting on my nerves! After several weeks of diligent use of the "baby complimenting her brother technique" (IE: "She really seems to like you. I think she has excellent taste!") and "making the baby wait", he began to settle down again. He and his brothers also received a full supply of hugs and attention during that time of transition. Never underestimate the power of a hug.
I mentioned in my first sibling post about how I stopped using my own advice! When I had my fourth, she was a little high needs. She spent most of her waking hours cranky and/or crying. She only wanted me, but even with me, she couldn't seem to relax. I joked several months later that she felt more like I was carrying around a piece of 2X4 instead of a soft yummy baby. As a result of her difficult nature, I began to use her as an excuse about why I could not do things. My older two boys took this turn of events as their new reality and hardly missed a beat. My four-year-old however, began to act out. My suddenly sweet, quiet, and lovely boy threw tantrums. He tried to hit me. He was MAD! I should have seen it coming. I used all my best positive parenting techniques to end the tantrums and anger and they began to disappear. I was so proud of myself, but then came the stomach aches, endless thirst, chronic fatigue, and constant hunger.
This went on for months. Finally, I was so worried about him, I took him to the doctor. They did blood work, stool samples, the works! Everything came back negative thank goodness! I distinctly remember the PA asking me in the hallway, "Do you think it could have something to do with the baby?" Me, sounding completely incredulous, "The baby? The baby is 18 months old now! He's had a lot of time to get used to having a new baby in the house." I left, but the idea nagged at me. Was she right? Could all of these physical symptoms be signs of an emotional need not being met?
I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I was frequently making him wait and putting him off because the baby. She always came first. She demanded top-notch service, and she got it! He also started a new educational program in the Fall that required him to be away from me for two mornings a week. Guess who waved him off with smiles on our faces (for encouragement of course!)? The baby and I. I had a moment where I realized how this all must seem to him!
I decided to treat the problem as an emotional one. I went back to basics on sibling relationships. I started noticing differences within a week or two. By six weeks of consistent changes, he was back to his old self, but with a new love for his baby sister.
Next up...Sharing. I promise!
Moving onto part two...
So, you've got these kids now. They've been yours for awhile. They are old enough to have a conversation with. They tie their own shoes, and diapers are thing of the past. Then, along comes a brand new baby into your house. Things should be perfect right? The older kids are becoming self-sufficient. Piece of cake...or maybe not.
Older kids have insecurities too. By older, please know that I'm talking about the 6+ age group. Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they need to know there is enough love to go around. They might revert to whining, or crying a lot. They might "forget" things they were so diligent at remembering before the baby. Any sort of odd out-of-character or obnoxious behavior after a new baby is born is likely a mild case of sibling rivalry.
In our house, the techniques have been the same, but the language is just a little more grown up. When my youngest came into the world, my nine-year-old son was both excited and apprehensive. I could see it in his eyes. He was so gentle and loving with the baby, but bordering on hyperactive the rest of the day. He was clearly attention-seeking and frankly, getting on my nerves! After several weeks of diligent use of the "baby complimenting her brother technique" (IE: "She really seems to like you. I think she has excellent taste!") and "making the baby wait", he began to settle down again. He and his brothers also received a full supply of hugs and attention during that time of transition. Never underestimate the power of a hug.
I mentioned in my first sibling post about how I stopped using my own advice! When I had my fourth, she was a little high needs. She spent most of her waking hours cranky and/or crying. She only wanted me, but even with me, she couldn't seem to relax. I joked several months later that she felt more like I was carrying around a piece of 2X4 instead of a soft yummy baby. As a result of her difficult nature, I began to use her as an excuse about why I could not do things. My older two boys took this turn of events as their new reality and hardly missed a beat. My four-year-old however, began to act out. My suddenly sweet, quiet, and lovely boy threw tantrums. He tried to hit me. He was MAD! I should have seen it coming. I used all my best positive parenting techniques to end the tantrums and anger and they began to disappear. I was so proud of myself, but then came the stomach aches, endless thirst, chronic fatigue, and constant hunger.
This went on for months. Finally, I was so worried about him, I took him to the doctor. They did blood work, stool samples, the works! Everything came back negative thank goodness! I distinctly remember the PA asking me in the hallway, "Do you think it could have something to do with the baby?" Me, sounding completely incredulous, "The baby? The baby is 18 months old now! He's had a lot of time to get used to having a new baby in the house." I left, but the idea nagged at me. Was she right? Could all of these physical symptoms be signs of an emotional need not being met?
I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I was frequently making him wait and putting him off because the baby. She always came first. She demanded top-notch service, and she got it! He also started a new educational program in the Fall that required him to be away from me for two mornings a week. Guess who waved him off with smiles on our faces (for encouragement of course!)? The baby and I. I had a moment where I realized how this all must seem to him!
I decided to treat the problem as an emotional one. I went back to basics on sibling relationships. I started noticing differences within a week or two. By six weeks of consistent changes, he was back to his old self, but with a new love for his baby sister.
Next up...Sharing. I promise!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Question #1
How do you foster sibling harmony?
This issue is near and dear to my heart. How many of us don't have memories of our siblings torturing us in some way or another? Probably not many of us. Ahhh...good times.
So, we're all adults here. We're ok. Right? We can laugh now because we have grown up and most of us have at least some semblance of a relationship with our siblings. It may not be buddy-buddy, but we might see them on occasion, and we can keep from glaring at them for all wedgies they gave us when we were kids. However, in your innermost heart of hearts, don't you remember how awful it felt to be treated poorly by your siblings? So many tears were shed. Sometimes we felt like our parents didn't care what was happening to us. We felt alone, afraid, and sad.
I happened into sibling harmony by accident. I knew I felt strongly that siblings could be friends, but I wasn't sure how I would make that happen. A sibling relationship is complicated, and has several components. Because of its complexity, it will take a few posts to say everything I want to say. I'll tackle each scenario as thoroughly as I can, and stay chronological as much as possible to make it easier to scan articles to find their relevance to your life. Also, at this time, I'm focusing on the actual foundation for sibling friendship. Setting this firm foundation helps reduce the amount of actual sibling discord. These topics preface all future topics about problem solving within the family.
And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or...
When a new baby comes into the house, toddlers and preschoolers need reassurance that mom and dad will have enough love to go around. Something I read a long time ago was to not use the baby as a reason why Mom and Dad aren't as readily available anymore. I agree with this and I am thankful I read it before my firstborn became a big brother. Try to avoid: "I can't play with you now because the baby needs to nurse. I can't go the park right now because the baby is sleeping." When the baby is used as an excuse, toddlers and preschoolers start to see the baby as a real nuisance. They begin to blame the baby for all their tiny little hardships. Having resentment for the baby is a difficult way to start a sibling friendship.
I used a lot of positive words to encourage friendship when I was unable to honor a request from one of my older children at that moment: "Sure we'll go to the park. I'll pack the baby bag and when he gets up, we'll go." OR "Sit right next to me while I nurse. I'll read you a book." It helps to practice phrasing responses in a positive way before you actually receive requests. As a tired new mom, I didn't always have the brain power to come up with a positive response on the fly. I needed a set of positively phrased answers in my brain already so I could use them instead of falling back on old habits.
I used this next technique with my then 3-year-old when we added our second child. It worked so well with him that I tried it the next two times we added siblings. It worked again. I feel confident that it played a part in the solid sibling friendship my kids have.
From the moment the baby was born, I told the older child: "She's so lucky to have you as a brother. You can teach her so many things." Any time the baby focused on their sibling, I would comment: "Oh look! That baby is watching you. She must think you are fantastic." The actual words aren't important, but giving the baby "words" to build up their siblings or compliment them seems to work like a charm. This works well when the older sibling wants to hold the baby. If the baby is content you might say, "The baby is so comfortable in your arms. She must know that you will keep her safe." If the baby isn't actually content, I just point out what the baby is doing, "He's stretching in your arms. He's a little grumpy right now. He says, 'I love my brother, but I need my mommy now for milk.'" I have tried to never deny older siblings from holding the baby even if it is just for brief moments if they request to do so. Any time they chose to bond with the new baby, I encouraged it.
Something else that works well is making the baby wait. I don't actually mean making the baby scream or cry while you attend to the sibling unless you absolutely have to. That happens sometimes, but I try to avoid it. What I am describing is a set-up situation where the baby is asked to wait. This helps assure the older siblings that the baby isn't always first. A good example of this would be getting ready to get in the car. The baby needs the car seat, and the older sibling needs help with his shoes. Within earshot of the older child say to the baby: "I'm going to help your sister with her shoes first. Then I'll put you in your car seat." If the baby is starting to squirm a little, say something like, "You'll be ok little one. You can wait a minute. I'm going to help your sister."
Yes, it is great if parents start this from the moment the baby is born. However, if that isn't how it went in your house, give it a try from this point on. It might take a little time, but it will make a difference. I'll discuss in a later post, how I fell away from this advice when I had my fourth child. The relationship between myself, my second youngest, and the baby became strained. However, once I went back to the basics of sibling friendship, our relationship was repaired.
Next up...Older kids with new siblings, and the art of sharing.
This issue is near and dear to my heart. How many of us don't have memories of our siblings torturing us in some way or another? Probably not many of us. Ahhh...good times.
So, we're all adults here. We're ok. Right? We can laugh now because we have grown up and most of us have at least some semblance of a relationship with our siblings. It may not be buddy-buddy, but we might see them on occasion, and we can keep from glaring at them for all wedgies they gave us when we were kids. However, in your innermost heart of hearts, don't you remember how awful it felt to be treated poorly by your siblings? So many tears were shed. Sometimes we felt like our parents didn't care what was happening to us. We felt alone, afraid, and sad.
I happened into sibling harmony by accident. I knew I felt strongly that siblings could be friends, but I wasn't sure how I would make that happen. A sibling relationship is complicated, and has several components. Because of its complexity, it will take a few posts to say everything I want to say. I'll tackle each scenario as thoroughly as I can, and stay chronological as much as possible to make it easier to scan articles to find their relevance to your life. Also, at this time, I'm focusing on the actual foundation for sibling friendship. Setting this firm foundation helps reduce the amount of actual sibling discord. These topics preface all future topics about problem solving within the family.
And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or...
When a new baby comes into the house, toddlers and preschoolers need reassurance that mom and dad will have enough love to go around. Something I read a long time ago was to not use the baby as a reason why Mom and Dad aren't as readily available anymore. I agree with this and I am thankful I read it before my firstborn became a big brother. Try to avoid: "I can't play with you now because the baby needs to nurse. I can't go the park right now because the baby is sleeping." When the baby is used as an excuse, toddlers and preschoolers start to see the baby as a real nuisance. They begin to blame the baby for all their tiny little hardships. Having resentment for the baby is a difficult way to start a sibling friendship.
I used a lot of positive words to encourage friendship when I was unable to honor a request from one of my older children at that moment: "Sure we'll go to the park. I'll pack the baby bag and when he gets up, we'll go." OR "Sit right next to me while I nurse. I'll read you a book." It helps to practice phrasing responses in a positive way before you actually receive requests. As a tired new mom, I didn't always have the brain power to come up with a positive response on the fly. I needed a set of positively phrased answers in my brain already so I could use them instead of falling back on old habits.
I used this next technique with my then 3-year-old when we added our second child. It worked so well with him that I tried it the next two times we added siblings. It worked again. I feel confident that it played a part in the solid sibling friendship my kids have.
From the moment the baby was born, I told the older child: "She's so lucky to have you as a brother. You can teach her so many things." Any time the baby focused on their sibling, I would comment: "Oh look! That baby is watching you. She must think you are fantastic." The actual words aren't important, but giving the baby "words" to build up their siblings or compliment them seems to work like a charm. This works well when the older sibling wants to hold the baby. If the baby is content you might say, "The baby is so comfortable in your arms. She must know that you will keep her safe." If the baby isn't actually content, I just point out what the baby is doing, "He's stretching in your arms. He's a little grumpy right now. He says, 'I love my brother, but I need my mommy now for milk.'" I have tried to never deny older siblings from holding the baby even if it is just for brief moments if they request to do so. Any time they chose to bond with the new baby, I encouraged it.
Something else that works well is making the baby wait. I don't actually mean making the baby scream or cry while you attend to the sibling unless you absolutely have to. That happens sometimes, but I try to avoid it. What I am describing is a set-up situation where the baby is asked to wait. This helps assure the older siblings that the baby isn't always first. A good example of this would be getting ready to get in the car. The baby needs the car seat, and the older sibling needs help with his shoes. Within earshot of the older child say to the baby: "I'm going to help your sister with her shoes first. Then I'll put you in your car seat." If the baby is starting to squirm a little, say something like, "You'll be ok little one. You can wait a minute. I'm going to help your sister."
Yes, it is great if parents start this from the moment the baby is born. However, if that isn't how it went in your house, give it a try from this point on. It might take a little time, but it will make a difference. I'll discuss in a later post, how I fell away from this advice when I had my fourth child. The relationship between myself, my second youngest, and the baby became strained. However, once I went back to the basics of sibling friendship, our relationship was repaired.
Next up...Older kids with new siblings, and the art of sharing.
Back from a Hiatus
I'm back from a hiatus. It seems I barely got started here before I needed a break. At least I know my limitations right? I'm so excited because I solicited help from some online mom-friends. I wanted some concrete topics to discuss. I love to wax philosophical, but sometimes I just want to roll up my sleeves and dig in to the realities of parenthood. I got so many great topic requests, I'm starting a Q and A. I'll tackle each question one by one until I get through them.
Some of the questions I feel confident jumping right into. Others may require a bit more thought on my part. I also feel the need to add a disclaimer. I would love to think that my ideas would work for every person out there. My advice will often not include such information as: Do X to get Y. However, if I can help a parent see something in a different way, I've accomplished part of my goal.
We are so driven as parents to want to squash bad behaviors. We feel like failures if we don't succeed on the first try with our discipline tactic. We wonder what others will think of us or what we are doing wrong. We are quick to imagine our sons and daughters as future felons if they lie or complete social misfits if they don't share their toys when asked.
I don't live my life in absolutes. Parenting is shades of grey for me. I strive to see every situation as somewhat unique. Continued poor behaviors are patterns formed or a sign of something greater underlying. Because of this belief, I try not to offer "fire extinguisher" parenting tactics. I try to find the cause of the fire so it doesn't need to put it out in the first place.
I hope you can find something of value in my words that you can use in your household.
Some of the questions I feel confident jumping right into. Others may require a bit more thought on my part. I also feel the need to add a disclaimer. I would love to think that my ideas would work for every person out there. My advice will often not include such information as: Do X to get Y. However, if I can help a parent see something in a different way, I've accomplished part of my goal.
We are so driven as parents to want to squash bad behaviors. We feel like failures if we don't succeed on the first try with our discipline tactic. We wonder what others will think of us or what we are doing wrong. We are quick to imagine our sons and daughters as future felons if they lie or complete social misfits if they don't share their toys when asked.
I don't live my life in absolutes. Parenting is shades of grey for me. I strive to see every situation as somewhat unique. Continued poor behaviors are patterns formed or a sign of something greater underlying. Because of this belief, I try not to offer "fire extinguisher" parenting tactics. I try to find the cause of the fire so it doesn't need to put it out in the first place.
I hope you can find something of value in my words that you can use in your household.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Listening more...check!
I'm really getting in the groove of listening more. Not surprisingly, when I am quiet, I really hear what my kids need, and therefore, I am not plagued by communication failure. My plan to listen more this month is working.
It's spilling over into the rest of my life too. I've been faced with two particularly difficult situations outside of my family. Both times, I listened intently, not speaking, until I really had something of value to say. It paid off. Both situations were resolved with good feelings intact.
Making our words count as a parent are so important. Words are so powerful when used correctly, and so completely ineffective when we just toss them out there without thought. Being extroverted, I love to talk. However, using too many words can be my downfall. I often catch myself micromanaging by overusing words instead of just listening.
For example: I might ask my son to do something. Then, I ask the following question to make sure he is on board: "Do you understand what I am asking? Do you need more instruction?" Once he confirms he understands, common sense says that it is time to back off and let it happen. I, on the other hand, put on my control freak hat and start to pepper him with questions, "Can I offer you a hand? Can I get something for you? Would it be helpful to you if...? Are you going to do it now? I don't ask all of these questions, but I ask just enough to annoy a grown man (just ask my husband!) OR to undermine a young growing man and make him feel as if he is not capable of the job at hand.
So, I am listening more, talking less, and stepping back to allow mistakes to happen and messes to be made. I can see all the kids really responding positively to this change.
It's spilling over into the rest of my life too. I've been faced with two particularly difficult situations outside of my family. Both times, I listened intently, not speaking, until I really had something of value to say. It paid off. Both situations were resolved with good feelings intact.
Making our words count as a parent are so important. Words are so powerful when used correctly, and so completely ineffective when we just toss them out there without thought. Being extroverted, I love to talk. However, using too many words can be my downfall. I often catch myself micromanaging by overusing words instead of just listening.
For example: I might ask my son to do something. Then, I ask the following question to make sure he is on board: "Do you understand what I am asking? Do you need more instruction?" Once he confirms he understands, common sense says that it is time to back off and let it happen. I, on the other hand, put on my control freak hat and start to pepper him with questions, "Can I offer you a hand? Can I get something for you? Would it be helpful to you if...? Are you going to do it now? I don't ask all of these questions, but I ask just enough to annoy a grown man (just ask my husband!) OR to undermine a young growing man and make him feel as if he is not capable of the job at hand.
So, I am listening more, talking less, and stepping back to allow mistakes to happen and messes to be made. I can see all the kids really responding positively to this change.
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